THE 25 THINGS...THING

So I’m about to do something horribly ironic. WHAT A SURPRISE. But before I proceed, I feel that a proper explanation is in order…well, it’s more of a magical tale full of mystery and wonder and stuff.

Like Twilight, but with a decent plot.

Anyways. Long before I joined the vibrant and highly intellectual community that we refer to as, and I quote, “Facebook,” I became aware of a plague that previously pervaded said website. This disease went by the title “25 Things,” it involved a person writing 25 things about themselves, (I BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING), and it was apparently ridiculously annoying for one of three reasons. Or all of the reasons. Probably that.

1. Everyone was doing it, and let’s be honest- what self-respecting, “unique,” individualistic young hipster would want to engage in such mainstream drivel?

2. Alright. I hate to do this, but I’m just going to come out and say it... ...peoplesometimesreallyaren’tthatinteresting. There. Whew! That felt good. But seriously. Most of the statuses people post on Facebook fall somewhere along the spectrum between “Jus wint shoppppping!!!! <3 LOL OMG I just luvvvv my frrrriendzzzz!!!;) LOL” and “Today was good. I like good things…Hope tomorrow is also good.”

3. The people who would post these things would then tag, like, at least twenty of their friends in the post because if they didn’t, a thousand puppies would burn or an innocent child in Africa would starve to death. And everyone knows that if you don’t do exactly what a chain letter tells you to do, all sorts of weird stuff goes down…and someone close to you dies tragically…

RIP Uncle Steve.

So obviously, these “25 Things” posts eventually died out, and became one more ugly blemish on the online profiles of…basically the entirety of America. And maybe Canada. But Canada’s done a lot of things it’s not proud of, and yet the world still seems to overlook its drunken, half-naked profile pictures and the Nickelback music videos it posts all the time. We'll always love you, Canada.

Come into my arms, you hosers.

Therefore, because it became so taboo, and because I was thinking WHY THE HECK NOT, I decided that I would post a 25 Things list myself. It’s just so socially crippling that I couldn’t resist, and if it’s been a few years since this went around, that makes it vintage, right? So yeah. HERE COMES THE NUMBERZ.

1. I read the second Harry Potter book before the first one and when I tell people that, they look at me like I just confessed to punching a baby or something.

2. My favorite punctuation mark is the ampersand- partly because of its name but mostly because LOOK AT DEM CURVES --> &

3. I have never had a brain freeze. 

4. My proudest moment was in 1^st grade when a kid cut me in line and I got in trouble for calling him a “stupid head.” He deserved it.

5. I get really upset when people leave their stuff in my locker and I can’t fit my nun chucks in there anymore.

6. My favorite Christmas present in the last few years was a 200 page book of puns...it’s almost like Santa knows me or something.

7. I hate crowds.

8. Ever since I discovered the joys of thrift shopping, I cannot justify buying any article of clothing for more than $5....even though sometimes I still do....

9. I typically sleep on my left side, in like, basically fetal position. So I suppose my bed could be compared to a womb. I can’t believe I just typed that.

10. I play the piano, flute, and a really mean recorder. I can also sing, but never really do so in front of people because

11. I’m extremely self-conscious.

12. When I was in 7^th grade, I cut my knuckle skin off with a pair of safety scissors.

13. I have sprained my right ankle so many times playing basketball through the years that it is permanently slightly larger than my left ankle. Also, I once sprained it while STANDING. IN MY KITCHEN.

14. Basically I’m a spaz.

15. I think that if you’re going to drink eggnog you might as well not drink eggnog because eggnog is horrible.

16. Alliteration makes me a lot happier than it probably should.

17. I am a romantic in every sense of the word.

18. I hate it when people ask me what my favorite bands are, because if I say a band that everyone knows then they think I have no musical taste, and if I say a band that is super obscure they peg me as a pretentious hipster. So it’s really the worst possible question ever and NOBODY WINS.

19. When I get really tired, I can’t stop rambling and apparently it’s adorable.

20. Sometimes I think I only have friends because standing next to me makes people appear tanner, and therefore more desirable.

21. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had the desire to live on a street lined with old, tall trees that arch over the road and create a sort of canopy. Like, a tree tunnel. And preferably somewhere where fall is particularly breathtaking because

22. I love the fall. It’s the best season ever and NO ONE CAN CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.

23. I find good grammar attractive. U no whut eye meen?

24. Cats could go extinct and I wouldn’t even care.

25. Even though I have 20/15 vision, I own a pair of glasses that I wear sometimes for no reason.

THE END.