OUR NYC CHECKLIST

Hey guys! I can't believe it, but while we were in NYC we checked off EVERYTHING we had on our to-do list! Every single thing. To prove it, I am going to share it with you:

1. Listen to random guys start softly (and badly) freestyle rapping on the subway multiple times and sit there passively with everyone else like it isn't happening.

2. Give some cash to a paranoid schizophrenic by the Washington Square Arch who asks if we have a Soundcloud account in order to listen to his music.

3. Observe a man covered in pigeons. 

4. Watch two homeless people dance erratically and somewhat inappropriately while a guy plays Superstition on his electric guitar in a subway station while a hundred people stand there and avert their gaze like this happens every day and realize that you will never hear that song without thinking about this moment again. 

5. See subway rats.

6. Get high fives from Jimmy Fallon and get really close to Glenn Close.

7. Spend an exorbitant amount of money on Hamilton tickets that you will be embarrassed to admit to anyone. 

8. Get off at an unfamiliar subway station and get lost walking home in the dark in the rain. 

9. Get asked if we like comedy and black people by aggressive men in Times Square.

10. Get stalled at the subway station for 17 minutes on the way home one night when my husband messes up swiping his metrocard and then spend that 17 minutes waiting to re-swipe avoiding a homeless man accosting strangers trying to use their cards to get onto the subway. 

11. Get really excited about going to the Rockefeller tree lighting ceremony and then come to the realization that thousands of people will be there and avoid the area like the plague instead.

12. Have a soup nazi experience at a bagel shop on the upper west side within two hours of being in the city.

13. Hear a guy shout "GOOD FOR YOU" on the street in the most stereotypical New York accent imaginable. 

14. Step in unidentifiable liquids in subway stations.

15. Witness a very loud and horrible family argument on the subway while sitting there looking forward like nothing is happening along with everyone else. 

16. Buy the most expensive passes to the Museum of Natural History in order to "see all the special exhibits" inside and then realize very quickly that they aren't that exciting and also that they are made for seven year olds. 

17. Try to order food or read anything in China town and feel the very real confusion that millions of people in our country feel all the time.

18. (On my husband's list) Get called "sexy guy" by a homeless woman on the street. 

19. See a Subway within a subway and have a a very real Inception moment. 

20. Hunt down filming locations from You've Got Mail and get sad seeing Kathleen Kelly's house looking rather dumpy now. 

HELLO, OCTOBER

There's something about the month of October and this time of year that stirs up all of the nostalgia and love I have for the time I spent completing an English degree--something that seems to prick the collective heart of the literary-minded the world over and cause even the most modest of wordsmiths to wax poetic. This, among so many other reasons (PUMPKINS), is why October is my most favorite of months. So, to celebrate the beginning of this glorious time, I put together some words from wonderful writers to share with you (that were almost certainly spurred into creation by the same kinds of feelings we're all having right now). Grab a cup of cider, slip into some thick woolen socks, and enjoy. 

CHRISTMAS IN JULY: THE BEST JINGLE ALL THE WAY QUOTES

As an enthusiastic purveyor of the celebration of Christmas at any time of year (when this exists, it's kind of hard not to), I would like to remind you that Christmas in July is a thing and also that one of the best Christmas movies of all time is Jingle All the Way--if only purely for how ridiculously quotable it is. It has become tradition with my brothers and I to watch this movie every Thanksgiving, and somehow it keeps getting better with time. Each year I don't think that's possible, but then you forget about things like this and this and especially this and you laugh even harder. 

So, in the sweltering heat of Summer, I invite you to sit back, pretend that there's snow outside and you're cozying up with a nice mug of hot chocolate to enjoy a viewing of this gift of a movie as you scroll through a compilation of some of my favorite Jingle All the Way quotes below. I might not be able to put a tree up or line the eaves of our house with Christmas lights whenever I want to, but you better believe I quote this movie all. year. long. With reckless abandon. 

THE BEST BACKSTREET BOYS BALLADS

If you've spent more than ten minutes on this blog, you'll notice that the Backstreet Boys show up. 

A lot. 

So it will be no surprise to you that after the boys dropped this glorious new single this week, I've been listening to it on repeat and thoroughly enjoying myself (#noshame). And it also will not surprise you that it inspired to me make this list as well (but I also did it because I can't say no to a good stream of alliteration). Who would have thought twenty years ago that we'd have a new Backstreet Boys single in 2018? Are they enduring the test of time because they're so good, or because they just don't know when to say when? Do I care either way? No. No I do not. So, to celebrate the glory of Backstreet being back (alright), I have winnowed down the best of their many ballads to a top ten for your listening pleasure. Let me know if you need a tissue. 

10. I Want it That Way

Though this is one of their biggest songs of all time that was gifted to the world on their second album in 1999, I decided to put it at number ten since most people are familiar with it. Also, it's a good song to start with to get you wanting to listen to the rest of these that you may not know as well. Believe me when I say I want it this way. 

Theme: "Girl we're on different pages but I want you to know I still want you let's make up yo."

9. Don't Want to Lose you Now

This is a more somber hit from their second album Millenium. Why did I just italicize that? That is a good question. It's good, but not their best, which is why it's sitting at number nine. Although that intense bridge and key change at the end is pretty great, so maybe it should be higher up on this list, but I am too lazy to move these around at this point. Enjoy. 

Theme: "Girl it seems like you're going to leave but I want you to know I would do anything for you let's make up yo." 

8. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

Also from their second album, this theatrical ballad well get you asking for the same thing. To feel lonely. So you can be a Backstreet Boy, too. Note the delicate Spanish guitar riff that shows up throughout and really adds to the sense of isolation and despair (I never thought that sentence would come out of me, but here we are). 

Theme: "Girl we're apart and I'm so lonely and I want you to know that I miss you let's make up yo." 

7. As Long as you Love Me 

Back to a more upbeat Backstreet hit from their first album for number seven. This is a great song that encouraged girls from all walks of life to believe that they had a chance with Nick Carter. Whether you're a little different, in prison for murder, or are simply just from out of town, the boys don't care--as long as you love them. 

Theme: "Girl you done some things you're not proud of but that don't mean nothin' to me as long as you think I'm great yo." 

6. Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)

Another upbeat classic from album numero uno that is still considered one of the best boy band hits of all time (at least by me, who doesn't really know much about other boy bands). It's so catchy they could repeat the chorus ten times, and they do. But we don't mind. 

Theme: "Girl you're leading me on and it hurts me so bad stop it yo." 

5. All I Have to Give

Slowing it down again for a softer one. As you will notice, I'm ranking the songs from their first album higher than the ones from the second album. This is because they are better. Also, because they have more of that distinctive 90s R&B thing going on than the songs on their second album, and I live for that. Sit back and listen to the boys tell you how they'll give you all their love. Something tells me they'd get along well with J-Lo, whose love don't cost a thing. 

Theme: "Girl I don't have a lot monetarily but what I do have is a lot of love for you and that's all we really need yo." 

4. I'll Never Break Your Heart

This song tops the previous one because it has even more of that soulful 90s R&B, Boyz II Men thing going on. This should be apparent within the first five seconds. It's less popular than some of their other hits, but it really shouldn't be because it's pretty great. Thank you, AJ, for your voice. Don't let Ursula steal that from you for legs. 

Theme: "Girl I know you've been hurt before but I would never do that to you so take a chance on me yo." 

3. What Makes you Different 

This song is hard to find because it's on like the b-side of their third album, so if you recognize it it's probably because you heard it in Princess Diaries, and if so, we can be friends. Every boy band has to have that song that caters to the girls that feel lame and don't think they're awesome, and this is that song sung to you by the Backstreet Boys. You're a rose that can grow anywhere, girl. (Slap that on a stock photo of a rose and put that on Pinterest, stat.) 

Theme: "Girl you're different from the other girls and you feel insecure about it but your idiosyncrasies are what makes you amazing, yo." 

2. Shape of my Heart

I only recently discovered this one once I started looking back through their music this week (I guess I kind of missed the Black and Blue album when it came out?) and something about it just does it for me. So much so that I put it at number two. I think it's the melody of the chorus. And just the song in general I guess. That too. Try to listen to this and NOT let them show you the shape of their collective heart. It's impossible. 

Theme: "Girl I know I've done some things and hurt you but I just want you to know how much I love you let's make up yo." 

1. Back to your Heart      

Now I know what you're all saying-- "But Camryn, this song is from their second album! You said you liked the ones from the first album better! Is this a mistake? We're scared!" But this is most definitely not a mistake. This is my favorite ballad of theirs of all time, and it just happens to be from their second album. It's just so good. The verses, the chorus, the harmonies (especially right at 2:00--GO THERE NOW), the key change, all of it. Just so good. And for that, it deserves the top spot. There's nothing better than music that makes you feel (even if it's a fluffy boy band ballad from the 90s). 

Theme: "Girl I miss you so much and I'll do anything to be with you again let's make up yo." 

OBSCURE THINGS I HAVE ENJOYED LATELY

You know that thing a lot of people with blogs do where they make a list of things that are "making them happy right now" and it's usually like

"It's so warm outside I think Summer is coming

My new lipstick is amazing

You guys my baby is so cute 

Look at this selfie of me it makes me happy"?

You know that thing? 

Yeah I know that thing too. So I thought I'd share some moments and things that have made me chuckle inwardly and snort with surprised glee lately that do not fall into the categories of things that typically populate these kinds of lists. If you've ever tried to understand my sense of humor, this might be a really good opportunity to do so. 

1. I was at the gym listening to Pandora's "Pop and Hip Hop Power Workout Radio" (I was desperate) and a song I've never heard before came on that said "feat. Sean Paul" on it (which made me laugh in the first place) and I was like, okay, let's see how this goes, and a girl comes in and she's singing along, doing her thing, talking about a woman who has a hard life and stuff, and then Sean Paul comes in out of nowhere and randomly interjects with "DAILY STRUGGLE" in a way that sounds like "#dailystruggle" and I nearly fell off of the elliptical. You can hear it at the link above at about 00:36. You're welcome.

2. I was staying at a hotel recently for a conference I went to for work, and while eating breakfast at the hotel I started thinking about this Key & Peele video my little brother showed me once and I was DYING. Just thinking about it. "Like Gogurt but to stay!" 

3. The other night I thought of the noise of the everlasting gobstopper machine from Willy Wonka because something sounded similar to it and I mentioned this to my husband and he knew EXACTLY what I was talking about and started making the noise. It's the little things, my friends.

4. A few weeks ago while walking into work (when it was still a bit dark out in the mornings), I walked by a rather tall trash can outside of the building I work in, and as I passed it something rustled inside and then jumped out and a duck quacked and took off in flight. As I jumped, startled, and looked over at what had emerged from the garbage, I saw a cat. A cat had been hiding in the trash can, stalking a duck, and then pounced out of it right when I walked by. And then we proceeded to be let out of work early that day because there were crazy fumes going on in our office thanks to maintenance men varnishing the doors right before everyone came in to work. This combination of events will never happen again. 

5. This week I attended an event that included a basketball dunking spectacle, and I thought about how if Rome had had basketball hoops and trained gladiators to be really good at acrobatics and dunking basketballs into those hoops, then they wouldn't have needed to have people kill each other for entertainment. Because basketball dunking is very exciting and people go crazy for it. It could have saved so many lives. 

ALL THE STARS ARE FROZEN: WHAT THAT SONG FROM BLACK PANTHER COULD BE SAYING

All the stars in motion
All the stars are frozen
All the stars emotion
All the stars are kosher
All the stars are ocean
All the stars are potion
All the stars have closure
All the stars are grosser
All the stars' a brochure
All the stars are Yorkshire

INANIMATE OBJECT PATRONUSES

The other night, while forcing my mother to take the quizzes on Pottermore, I had a thought about patronuses that made me laugh--one of those thoughts that no one else probably thinks is funny (this happens a lot). Corporeal patronuses are always these majestic, meaningful, powerful animals (unless you get a salmon) that chase after dementors and save the day, but what if they were just random, ordinary, every-day inanimate objects driving off the horror-inducing personifications of fear and darkness? I found the idea so amusing that I decided to doodle out what would be some of my favorites, if this were how it really worked. Just picture these things going after a horde of swooping, face-sucking dementors and tell me you're not chuckling just a little. 

A bowling ball.

A hanger.

Scissors. 

A flipflop.

A tissue box.

A stick.

A sock.

A chair.

A thumbtack.

A waffle iron. 

Wouldn't it have been much more tragically romantic (not sure I really mean that word in this situation, but I digress) if Snape and Lily's patronuses had both been waffle irons? DISCUSS. 

THE TOP 10 MOST SHOCKING CELEBRITY BABY NAMES OF 2017

1. Joe
2. Brian
3. Rob
4. Katelyn
5. Mike
6. Jason
7. Jen
8. Todd
9. Ashley
10. Matt

THE MONSTERS AMONG US: A DEFINITIVE GUIDE

Like a winter storm warning notification on your phone or a well-intentioned comment from a friend about how your new blue sweater doesn't quite match your eyes, I believe it is my duty to inform you of something equally threatening to your safety and well-being. And that something is my discovery of the presence of monsters living among us--yes, real monsters, camouflaging themselves in everyday situations and generally existing to either cause utter havoc or just mess with all of us for fun. I have yet to determine if any of their motives are sinister, but something tells me that that yellow one down below may be out for blood. 

Below, I will share the scientific names, danger rating, and characteristics of each of these monsters I've discovered so that you can both recognize and avoid them if you are so unfortunate to happen upon one yourself. Be warned, the images below may be upsetting to young children and the easily unsettled. 

Name: Oblivirus Blockerus 

Danger Rating: 2

Characteristics: One of the more common of the monsters I have discovered, the Oblivirus Blockerus finds great pleasure in getting in your way. (Well, either that, or they don't like moving a lot. We haven't quite determined why they do this.) You will most often find them taking up space in hallways, standing in front of entrances--especially doors--or taking up space near lines and not telling you that they really aren't in line until you have to ask them yourself. One of the most fascinating things about the Oblivirus Blockerus is that it can stretch itself to outrageous proportions to continue being in the way. I've heard about a particularly nasty one that kept growing bigger and bigger until he blocked the entire tortilla section of an aisle at a local grocery store and wouldn't move when people came through looking for tortillas. Another one parked itself outside of the driver's side door of my friend's car, staring at her blankly while she waited to get inside. While the Oblivirus Blockerus only has a danger rating of 2, this monster should not be taken lightly. And remember: as they are very social creatures, they will almost always be accompanied by a friend (or five). 

Name: Sweaticus Gymnasius 

Danger Rating: 5

Characteristics: The Sweaticus Gymnasius is a more rare variety of monster, but you can be certain that you will always see quite a few of them at the gym as it is their favorite place to be. An exuberant and enthusiastic gym rat, the Sweaticus Gymnasius finds exercise incredibly important and likes to use all of the equipment available. Unfortunately, this monster either doesn't know there are wipes provided by the gym to wipe down a machine after using it, knows they're there but is too lazy to use them, knows they're there but willfully refuses to use them, or is maliciously getting everything within a 5 foot radius as gross as possible (we are still determining which of these is the case). The worst offenders spend hours at a time sitting on weight machines and laying on weight benches until they've created a pool of sweat large enough to swim in. The Sweaticus Gymnasius has been given a danger rating of 5 since it's not extremely dangerous, but is most definitely very, very gross. 

Name: Blindimus Destructicus

Danger Rating: 9

Characteristics: One of the most dangerous monsters to walk the earth, the Blindimus Destructicus has been the cause of nearly every traffic problem and car accident as far back as we can tell. Though legally blind, someone keeps issuing them licenses, and we really need to track them down because this needs to stop. Also, even though they're blind, they really like holding cell phones, and they have been known to sometimes sit backwards in the driver's seat. If you've ever been cut off in traffic, seen a car not use a turning signal, or witnessed a car run a blatant red light, you have unfortunately been in the presence of a Blindimus Destructicus. The problems they cause can range in severity from a minor disturbance in the flow of traffic to horrible, fatal car accidents, but this unpredictability is what makes it scariest of all. For this, they have received a danger rating of 9. Avoid these monsters at all costs, because your life could depend on it. 

Name: Storius Leechimus 

Danger Rating: 10

Characteristics: And now, the most stealthy and dangerous monster I have come across so far: the Storius Leechimus. Most often found in traditional office settings, this monster feeds off of your stories about your weekends and the details of your personal life until you are nothing but a dry, soulless husk. It starts off unassuming, cordial even, showing a reserved interest in your life outside of work as a friendly gesture. Over time, as it makes you feel more comfortable, you will begin to open up more and it will ask you follow-up questions, getting you to talk as long as possible as it sits there, sucking up your stories. This will start happening every day once the monster knows it's got you, and before you know it, you will have lost your soul, having succumbed to the closest thing to a Dementor's Kiss outside of the wizarding world. Signs a Storius Leechimus may be in your office are a coworker asking more personal questions than seems necessary, asking questions about your after-work activities to the point it seems that they might be keeping a secret itinerary of your life, and, most telling of all, if they come into work on Monday acting frazzled and on edge after having not been able to feed off of you for two whole days. The Storius Leechimus has received a danger rating of 10 for its definite malicious intent and its terrifying ability to steal your soul. Beware!

CRUSHES OF VALENTINES PAST

Even after getting married and watching every romantic Hallmark movie ever made, I still can't shake the idea that Valentine's Day is just a holiday for elementary school children to exchange heart-shaped things and practice their diorama-making skills (which I hear a lot of elementary schools are focusing in on now, as the job market today is bursting with opportunities for young people with a knack for folding construction paper and an eye for glitter). So because of this, as I have been dwelling on Valentine's Days of yore, I thought it would be fun to share some of the early "crushes" I had while of elementary school age. So before anyone can convince me that this might not be the best idea, let's just jump right in with the best of them all, shall we? 

1. Brian Littrell from The Backstreet Boys

Yeah. This was a thing. I have a distinct memory (when I was like, five?) of sitting on the arm of our upstairs couch watching a Backstreet Boys/Shania Twain concert and thinking both, "Man, I am so cool," and "Brian is awesome." (Also, I just looked this up to see if this concert actually happened and I'm not just making it up, and it totally happened—I didn't realize this experience was formative enough for me to remember it still, but I guess it was, and I don't know how I feel about that). In my mind, I was Shania Twain, and Brian was singing to me. All I needed was a sparkly pastel 90s dress with batwing arms, and he'd be mine. Why Brian when there were four other decent choices among his backstreet compatriots? Probably because he got all the main singing parts. And also because AJ was the "bad boy", Nick had an unsettling nasally voice (I was an excellent judge of talent at a young age), Kevin's tall, gangly frame was a little disconcerting to me, and I could never remember that Howie D was actually there in the background. Other pertinent questions this story raises: Why was I watching this? Did I not have toys? And had my parents really given up on me that early? But yeah. Brian. I liked me some Brian—almost as much as my daily viewings of PB and J Otter and Dragon Tales.

2. Ling in Mulan  

Most girls my age watching Mulan probably went for the leading man in the movie, or Donny Osmond's voice coming out of the leading man, but me? I liked Ling. You might wonder why, of all the brave, able-bodied cartoon Asian men in this movie to choose from, I chose Ling. Even I, sitting here all these years later, am wondering why as well. But somehow, even with his squeaky voice, stick-like proportions, and overall loserly aura, I still thought Ling was pretty cool. Maybe it was because there was some sweetness behind his lame exterior, maybe it was because Yao had anger issues and Chien Po was a little too soft for me, maybe it was because he started off the song where all the men sing about girls and I was like HEY. I AM A GIRL. HE IS SINGING TO ME. But either way, he was right—I did love a man in armor.

3. Matthew Broderick's singing voice in Lion King 

This is probably the weirdest thing on this list, but yes—Matthew Broderick's singing voice as the grown-up Simba. I liked it. (But right after writing the title to this I looked this up to see if it really was Matthew Broderick singing in the movie, and it wasn't, so...nevermind. But I'm not going to change it because up until this moment I thought it was Matthew Broderick and if there's anything I'm a stickler for, it's authenticity). I don't really have much else to say about this, besides that I am starting to regret writing this post.

4. Prince Christopher in Rodger & Hammerstein's Cinderella (1997)

It might have been impossible to think that Prince Christopher would ever return my feelings, but as Whitney Houston would remind me every time I put the recording of this movie into the VCR growing up, it was possible. He was just so charming, so princely, so without any type of flaw beyond not being able to run faster than a one-shoed Brandy, and on top of that he could SING. Also, while I'm here, can I just say that this movie was EVERYTHING? (And not only because Jason Alexander was in it. But that was mostly why.) If everyone is bringing back the 90s with velvet and chokers and baggy denim things, then it only follows that knowledge of this movie and its dashing Filipino prince should come back too. SPREAD THE WORD.

5. Orlando Bloom 

With the Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean, I was introduced to both blonde Orlando Bloom and dark-haired Orlando Bloom at a young age. Once I realized that he was the same person, I decided that this person named after a city in Florida was a pretty cool dude (unlike his brother Tallahassee). So cool, in fact, that I ordered his biography off of a Scholastic book order in 3rd grade (I'm not kidding). While everyone else in my class was reading Babysitter's Club books and Because of Winn-Dixie in our silent reading time, I was sitting back in my chair, reading about The Bloom. The only thing I can remember from this book is that it talked about him having dyslexia, but I'm sure it was a very informative and page-turning read in other respects—3rd grade Camryn wouldn't indulge in frivolous fiction. But man—with his unflinching devotion to Elizabeth, his bravery in the face of weird CGI skeletons, and the knowledge that if I ever needed a blacksmith, he had the ability to make a tang nearly the full width of a blade (which I just looked up to finally understand what that means), I thought I was set.

And with that, we are most definitely going to end this list at 5. 

*runs away in shame*

5 SONGS YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO RIGHT NOW BECAUSE

I don't know about you, but there's nothing like the start of a new year or the rest of the world acting like it's the end of the world to make me reassess my life. And what I have assessed most recently is something I never needed to reassess in the first place, but I just felt like talking about anyway, and that thing is filling your life with good music. 

Good. Solid. Music. 

No, I'm not talking about the latest hit on REAL HITZ 2DAY Radio, or trendy folksy things that make you seem really deep and sensitive, or anything written by Max Martin (so basically every catchy song you've had stuck in your head recently) (sorry Max). I'm talking about 80'S MUSIC. Say what you want, but the music created in the 80s (and much of the 70s) is magical. Just straight up magical. I'm tearing up as I write this (not really, but I could be, and that's the point). It was what music was before the song machine started mass-producing hits. Back when the majority of popular musicians actually were musicians and wrote their own songs, and their goal wasn't to mind control everyone with the catchy hook in their song that was written by a team of twelve people using statistics and robots to manufacture music that is engineered to be popular. Back when a group called Men at Work never "worked worked worked worked worked."

The songs of the 80s were full of beautiful melodies, thoughtful lyrics, and some sixth sense magic that either makes you feel many feels or makes you feel like you can roundhouse kick anything in the face. 80s music is my soul food music. It's the freshly-baked never-ending batch of chocolate chip cookies after a hard day, the chicken soup for my post-graduate soul, the mac and cheese that I will eat at any hour of the day simply because it is so good. Is there a little cheese? You bet there is. And that's part of why it's so great.

I would give my left arm to be able to turn the dial to the "Today's Hits" radio station and hear music like this. If all of the artists out there were just waiting for me to say this in order to proceed with making music that is actually good, there. I said it. NOW PLEASE GO MAKE IT AND ENJOY MY ARM YOU CANNIBALS. In the meantime, here are 5 songs I've been listening to that I am of the opinion just make everything a little bit better. 

1. "Never" by Heart

To people who didn't think girl power was a thing back in the day, meet the Wilson sisters. And by meet, I mean go watch the video to this song, listen to the rest of their songs, and just bask in their collective glory. While all of their songs are worthy of a mention, this one in particular is on the list because of just how re-playable it is. This song is appropriate for every situation. Need to feel empowered after someone breaks your heart? Need the perfect song to celebrate to after completely destroying a test? Having a bad hair day and want to feel like a guitar-wielding 80s goddess? Transporting your great-aunt's casket in a hearse to the cemetery? Blast. It. (Well, maybe not really in the last case, since that would be inappropriate. Unless she really loved Heart. Because then I think it would be inappropriate not to.) 

2. "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel 

I know all of you are like, "Oh, yeah, Peter Gabriel--that guy who started Genesis and was replaced by Phil Collins after he left the band. I know his stuff," but in case you didn't say that, Peter Gabriel is the guy who started Genesis and was replaced by Phil Collins after he left the band. Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, THIS SONG. I LOVE THIS SONG. Everything about it. If I had a spa, this song would be on repeat. At my spa. Why? It just feels right. Listen to this and feel your troubles melt away. Literally. Make sure you have a bowl to catch them. Or a towel.

3. "Baby I'm-a Want You" by Bread

First, you should already be wanting to listen to this purely because it is sung by Bread. It's not every day you get to hear bread sing, as it is primarily seen toasting, crumbling, and generally being pretty quiet. What really makes this song for me is the falsetto jump at the end of each verse. It just gets me, you know? Oh, and the sheer weirdness of saying "Baby I'm a Want You." The grammar nazi within me wants to time travel back to when Bread was coming up with this song and barge in with a big eraser and force them to make their song make sense, but then the nonconformist within me enjoys their blatant disregard for convention. Because like, whoa, maybe they're trying to say that you can't make sense out of something like love? That a feeling like wanting someone makes words meaningless? Wow. I knew bread was a complex carb, but that's something else. (Also, I know this was written in the 70s. Not the 80s. Sue me.)

4. "How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston

I will forever be mystified by how every dance-inducing song that comes out today has to be either super sexual or made up of gibberish words and neolithic grunts that, unbeknownst to me, are probably the exact same noises that signaled man's discovery of fire. I mourn the lost days when Whitney Houston was in her prime, when music could make everyone within a mile radius want to dance and feel uplifted in that dancing instead of objectified or just really, really gross. This song always manages to instantly make me feel ten times more productive than I am, makes me bob my head back and forth like a jazzy seal, and generally just makes life feel like one big step-aerobics class. Which is a good thing. Throw in that the music video for this song looks like a nightmarish episode of Reading Rainbow, in a good way, and I just don't think it can get any better.

5. "Ride Like the Wind" by Christopher Cross

Feeling lethargic on your morning commute? Need some confidence before you burst into your class to give the presentation of your life? Just want to feel cooler when walking? This is the song for you. And if all of the other elements of this song weren't great enough, MICHAEL MCDONALD KEEPS POPPING UP IN THE BACKGROUND. MICHAEL OLD MCDONALD. What more could you want? I would pay Michael (we're on a first name basis) a pretty sum of money to just pop up in the background of my life and sing with that voice of his. And the line "And I've got such a long way to go/To make it to the border of Mexico" evokes the spirit of Robert Frost's "But I have promises to keep/And miles to go before I sleep," and if there's nothing I like more than classic American poetry, it's random songs from this era that I can outlandishly compare to classic American poetry.

Also, talking about Michael McDonald just now made me realize this song needs to be included too. So I'll just leave this here, and you can thank me later. Or now. Whichever works for you. I can wait.