HOW TO BE A HIPSTER

Another week, another essay due in my writing class. The assignment was to write a "How To" essay, and so, of course, I wrote about hipsters. I've always just found the whole phenomenon to be delightfully ironic in itself...although I must admit, I felt just a little hypocritical while writing this... but I'm, like, definitely not a hipster, you guys (see last paragraph). Anyways. Here it is in all of its obscure, angst-ridden glory:

How to Be a Hipster

         First, forget everything that you’ve ever liked or found pleasure in—name brand clothing, catchy boy bands, happiness, showers—and pack it away nicely in a little box labeled Too Mainstream in the back of the closet of your mind. To the world, the existence of this box must become a myth, comparable to that of Sasquatch or the noble unicorn. And you’re too tortured and obscure for unicorns, now. But don’t destroy the box—no, keep it around and dust it off occasionally and open it up if the opportunity to use its contents in an ironic fashion presents itself. It’ll be hilarious. Then close up the box as stealthily as possible and conceal it back behind the thick-rimmed glasses that are super glued to your face. You are so cool. You are a hipster.

            But don’t be confused—you are allowed to like things. In fact, being a hipster requires you to like things—just not the things that anyone else likes. This is essential. This is the core doctrine of Hipsterism. Is kelly green the fashionable spring color that everyone is wearing? Wear anything else. Or better yet, a shade of green that is slightly similar but definitely off and definitely intentional. So ironic. Is everyone listening to that new album that Vampire Weekend just released? Don’t listen to it. Or better yet, listen to it so that you can make snarky, informed comments when the album is brought up in conversation. You are the counter-culture of all that is culture. You are the most unique individual to ever grace the earth. And you most definitely do not have a Pinterest. 

            It has been said that “the clothes make the man,” and as a hipster, what you wear will serve two purposes: 1. Signaling to other hipsters that you are one of them, and 2. Signaling to the world that you are a hipster. In order to keep your wardrobe as exclusive and offbeat as you are, shop solely at thrift stores, or any stores of the secondhand variety. As you peruse the bulging clothing racks, keep the core doctrine of Hipsterism in mind and place into your cart the exact opposite of what anyone else would choose. Your fashion sense is a lack of fashion sense. For the top half of you, a grungy flannel, a horrendous sweater stitched with an unintelligible animal pattern, or a uniform from a little league team with the name “Charlie” embroidered across the chest will do quite nicely. Grab a few unassuming cardigans and obscure band t-shirts and you’re set. If you are a Woman Hipster, invest in a wide variety of skinny jeans, and if you are a Man Hipster, wear the same jeans as the Woman Hipsters and make sure they aren’t long enough so you can show off your delicate, hairy ankles. Footwear is optional, depending on the season, but if desired, must also be ironic. An old pair of bowling shoes from an actual bowling alley would be ideal. And as far as accessories go, a slouchy beanie, outrageous fanny pack, or an oversized camera posing as a necklace will suffice. Walk out of the thrift store wearing your vintage threads, proclaiming that you will never wash them, then top it off by going to a 3D movie, keeping the glasses like the rebel you are, and wear them religiously after punching the lenses out. You now look and smell like a certifiable hipster. But you’re not done yet.

            The four main food groups of the hipster are coffee, coffee, more coffee, and coffee. Make Starbucks, or better yet, some quiet, back alley café your second home. Order your ambrosia without sugar or milk or any conceivable sweetener and drink it sparingly as you read from a tattered copy of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye or Jack Kerouac’s On the Road. While you will occasionally have to eat actual food, create the illusion that you don’t and brag about how black coffee literally runs through your veins. But if you must eat in front of others, make sure that it is organic, vegetarian, vegan, or otherwise environmentally conscious and ensure that everyone around you knows this. Then drink some more coffee.

            In the life of a hipster, music is only second in importance to breathing and sighing introspectively. Forget every other genre you’ve ever heard of and replace them with only two: obscure and ironic. The ratio of music on your ipod should be about 94% obscure and 6% ironic. Obscure music includes bands that have yet to make a full album, have a name that is either completely mundane or delightfully ironic, or employ the use of some bizarre instrument like the Jew’s harp or didgeridoo. Ironic music must either be a cover of a mainstream song performed by one of these obscure bands—for example, “Call Me Maybe” played on a marimba and chanted by a chorus of melodramatic beat poets, or an actual song from decades ago that no one has ever heard of. Go to concerts as often as possible. Attend only those that are “underground,” and, if you can find them, those that are literally underground. Center most of your conversation on music, and in doing so keep at least one ear bud in your ears at all times, insist that live versions are superior to all else, and always follow any band reference you make with the statement “You’ve probably never heard of them.” When asked what you’re listening to, speak enthusiastically about a new group that experiments with the sound of water dripping off of a trashcan while a lone sitar plays sporadically in the background. And most importantly, never admit that you have never heard of a band. You are a hipster. You know of every band before it even exists.

            But to look, eat, and listen to music like a hipster is not enough. To properly pull off this lifestyle, you must foster the attitude of a hipster. Walk around town with your headphones securely over or in your ears, rarely make eye contact, and entirely forget that you ever knew what posture is. Don’t finish your sentences. Speak as few words as possible, insert meaningful pauses whenever you deem necessary, and saturate every comment with an air of condescension. Every so often, begin composing ambiguous free-verse poetry mid-sentence. Sniff disdainfully. Huddle inside your cardigan, hide behind your glasses, and revel in your reclusiveness. Sit in an overgrown field and tell anyone who asks that you’re becoming one with the universe. The possibilities are endless—as long as you’re always following the core doctrine of Hipsterism.

             Finally, the most important thing that an aspiring hipster must remember is this: you must vehemently deny that you are a hipster. Accusations will be tossed at you the moment you step out of the thrift store wearing a mohair blazer or tell someone that you’re listening to a band called “Going to the Grocery Store for Eggs and Acceptance.” You must be prepared for this. Practice rolling your eyes, raising your eyebrows, and perfect the art of the incredulous chuckle to use specifically in these moments. Because there’s no way that anyone could put such a confining label on the unique, tortured enigma of a soul that is you. It’s just not possible. You’re too much of a hipster for that.