After a long stint of solely reading nonfiction, I've recently gotten back into fiction through the gateway that was Lauren Graham's Someday, Someday, Maybe. And, as I used to do with the genre, long before my time reading was filled with homework assignments and pages of secondary criticism about those homework assignments, I gobbled it up as quickly as I could, shuttling the book with me to work in my purse and taking every opportunity to flip it open on my breaks. Was it the next great American novel? Well, no. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. And though I am not an actress, have never been to New York City—much less lived in the place, or known anyone named Barney (beyond the purple dinosaur, of course) the novel resonated with me. And more so than it would have at earlier points in my life.
Lately, I've been in a sort of rut. I have a job, yes, but it often leaves me devoid of energy to accomplish the other things I would like to do at the end of the day. I know this is an utterly unique and never-before-experienced problem to have, one that I will undoubtedly be called upon by talk shows across the country to discuss, but still. It's annoying. And coupled with that I've had a crippling case of the "self-doubting voice in my head that leads me to believe that I am lame and have no abilities and basically am horrible in every way" for some reason, that, joined together with the lack of energy, lead me to never do any of the things I have such strong desires to do. The things I would dream about doing "if I had the time" back when I was a student and had more pressing things to attend to. Though not unhappy, I would say I've become a bit disillusioned with myself. I haven't felt like myself. I haven't been sure of myself. And that has resulted in not writing, not creating, not being me. (Did I mention I don't like ruts? Okay, just checking. Because I don't.)
But, rather unexpectedly, near the end of this novel was some simple yet profound advice that I had been needing. Advice about staying true to yourself in your work and in your life, advice about how to make something happen while in the pursuit of your dreams, all artfully wrapped together by Graham while her main character discovers how her life parallels a short story written by J.D. Salinger. In particular, I loved the lines regarding quantity becoming quality and the exhortation to "just keep filling the pages." (I would share them here, but I would hate to separate them from the whole of the context, and also because you you should just go read the whole thing yourself.)
No matter how you feel about yourself and your work, no matter what anyone else is doing, you have to keep filling the pages of your life with effort, focus, and repetition. You're not going to write The Sun Also Rises one afternoon, and you won't paint The Last Supper on a whim or be cast in a Hollywood blockbuster on your second audition, but eventually, as you fill the pages, as you put in the work, perhaps you will. And you definitely won't if you're trying to do what everyone else is doing.
And then, today, I finally went to see La La Land, the movie I've been waiting to see for months (But seriously, who saw this trailer and didn't immediately go I'M SEEING THIS), and I couldn't help but notice themes similar to the novel I had just barely finished. Themes of pursuing your passions in the face of failure, of being authentic to yourself when it's so easy to allow yourself to slip into something you're not, of giving yourself another chance even when you think it's no use. And those things, coupled of course with the amazing cinematography and music and the story and ALL OF THE COLORS, resulted in me leaving the theater today feeling inspired. And hopeful.
Here's to the ones who dream.
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