Happy Father's Day! I hope that you and your dads (but mostly your dads--unless you are also a dad) have a wonderful day soaking up all of the love you're getting from your kids and society at large. With a few more ties in your tie collection, a new putter, and homemade construction paper coupons for things your kids will never do for you, you'll be ready to embark on the next 365 days of being a dad once again. Good luck.
Fathers really are so important in children's lives, which is why Disney always goes out of their way to depict extremely loving, caring, understanding, and present dads in all of their classic movies. Just kidding. Disney dads are the worst. And yeah, yeah, I know that coming-of-age stories need to have nearly absent or antagonistic or otherwise flawed parental figures in order to allow the protagonist to be free to make their own choices and all that jazz, but still. They're lame.
So, today, you can take this quiz I made to find out just which lame Disney dad you are. Because I know you've been subconsciously wondering for years. Keep track of your answers to the following questions, and then find out your results below.
1. You've recently discovered your child appears to be missing. What do you do?
A. I'll ask my colleague to go get her. He might be evil and incredibly manipulative, but hey! Whatever! Why would I do it myself?
B. I haven't seen my child since she was a baby. She very well could be missing for all I know!
C. I WILL HUNT HER DOWN AND BRING HER HOME IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO.
D. I have a kid?
2. Your daughter just told you that she has a boyfriend. What is your reaction?
A. Oh, wonderful! I've been telling her to find a man for years. I don't even care who it is!
B. My daughter never talks to me. Because she doesn't know me. But if she did have a boyfriend, it would definitely be one I arranged for her to have.
C. I WILL DESTROY HIM WITH MY POWER.
D. I don't know, I've never had a daughter. Or a son. At least, I don't live with them or have any contact with them if I have them. Why are you asking me these questions?
3. What's the best parenting advice you've ever received?
A. I find it best to be put be put under mind control whenever I need to make an important decision regarding my child.
B. Send the kid away and have other people raise them--and especially not super competent people. That's important.
C. YELLING AT KIDS ALWAYS WORKS AND IT MAKES THEM LOVE YOU MORE. ALSO, BEING REALLY STRICT WILL MAKE THEM OBEY YOU.
D. Leave before they could ever know you. Or just don't have kids.
4. What is the worst thing that your child could have when they're growing up?
A. The ability to sneak out of the house.
B. A spinning wheel, of course!
C. FREEDOM.
D. Toys.
Fathers really are so important in children's lives, which is why Disney always goes out of their way to depict extremely loving, caring, understanding, and present dads in all of their classic movies. Just kidding. Disney dads are the worst. And yeah, yeah, I know that coming-of-age stories need to have nearly absent or antagonistic or otherwise flawed parental figures in order to allow the protagonist to be free to make their own choices and all that jazz, but still. They're lame.
So, today, you can take this quiz I made to find out just which lame Disney dad you are. Because I know you've been subconsciously wondering for years. Keep track of your answers to the following questions, and then find out your results below.
1. You've recently discovered your child appears to be missing. What do you do?
A. I'll ask my colleague to go get her. He might be evil and incredibly manipulative, but hey! Whatever! Why would I do it myself?
B. I haven't seen my child since she was a baby. She very well could be missing for all I know!
C. I WILL HUNT HER DOWN AND BRING HER HOME IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO.
D. I have a kid?
2. Your daughter just told you that she has a boyfriend. What is your reaction?
A. Oh, wonderful! I've been telling her to find a man for years. I don't even care who it is!
B. My daughter never talks to me. Because she doesn't know me. But if she did have a boyfriend, it would definitely be one I arranged for her to have.
C. I WILL DESTROY HIM WITH MY POWER.
D. I don't know, I've never had a daughter. Or a son. At least, I don't live with them or have any contact with them if I have them. Why are you asking me these questions?
3. What's the best parenting advice you've ever received?
A. I find it best to be put be put under mind control whenever I need to make an important decision regarding my child.
B. Send the kid away and have other people raise them--and especially not super competent people. That's important.
C. YELLING AT KIDS ALWAYS WORKS AND IT MAKES THEM LOVE YOU MORE. ALSO, BEING REALLY STRICT WILL MAKE THEM OBEY YOU.
D. Leave before they could ever know you. Or just don't have kids.
4. What is the worst thing that your child could have when they're growing up?
A. The ability to sneak out of the house.
B. A spinning wheel, of course!
C. FREEDOM.
D. Toys.
5. Tell us about your child's mom!
A. We never speak of her. She's either dead or she left us!
B. She doesn't say much, but boy is she pretty!
C. SAME ANSWER AS A.
D. Oh, she's awesome. (If I had a kid....do I have a kid?)
6. What is your occupation?
A. King
B. King
C. KING
D. I'm unemployed...I think.
7. What do you think makes a child the happiest?
A. Big cats, getting married off, and living with an evil man in the house!
B. Fairies! And quaint little cottages! And arranged marriages!
C. SINGING FOR THEIR DAD. AND NOT LEAVING HIM.
D. Probably having their dad around. Sucks for any kids I might have.
8. What would be your ideal Father's Day gift?
A. Little trinkets to add to my collections! And for my daughter to find a suitor!
B. The praise of my kingdom!
C. FOR NONE OF MY CHILDREN TO GROW LEGS AND LIVE ON LAND.
D. Some alone time. If I was a dad, I'd probably need some of that. (Am I a dad?)
A. King
B. King
C. KING
D. I'm unemployed...I think.
7. What do you think makes a child the happiest?
A. Big cats, getting married off, and living with an evil man in the house!
B. Fairies! And quaint little cottages! And arranged marriages!
C. SINGING FOR THEIR DAD. AND NOT LEAVING HIM.
D. Probably having their dad around. Sucks for any kids I might have.
8. What would be your ideal Father's Day gift?
A. Little trinkets to add to my collections! And for my daughter to find a suitor!
B. The praise of my kingdom!
C. FOR NONE OF MY CHILDREN TO GROW LEGS AND LIVE ON LAND.
D. Some alone time. If I was a dad, I'd probably need some of that. (Am I a dad?)
9. What's the hardest part about being a dad?
A. Trying to be an authority figure and laying down the law when I look like a cream puff.
B. Waiting for your child to turn 16. It takes FOREVER.
C. WHEN MY KIDS DON'T LISTEN TO ME.
D. You guys, you're starting to freak me out--am I really a dad? What's going on??
10. When it comes down to it, what is the most important thing you can teach a child?
A. Always listen to your advisor, even if they're evil! Also, mind control isn't a thing!
B. Make friends with fairies who can make you beautiful!
C. THAT DAD IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
D. I've never asked myself this question before......BECAUSE I'M NOT A DAD.....(I think.)
We will say though, it's hard to be a great dad when you're under mind control half the time. So we'll cut you some slack, Sultan. But then again...you couldn't tell Jafar was bad news when you weren't under mind control, so we're a little worried about your judgment. Also because you thought a pet tiger for your daughter was a good idea. And, when you think you're laying down the law, your daughter still sneaks out of the house all the time without you even knowing. So you're kind of a mess. You're a pushover, but we love you anyway.
Famous line: "I'm going to keep an evil villain in our house and give you a tiger and hopefully everything will turn out good! Also, I'm going to keep telling you that you need to get married even though I know that you're going to do what you want anyway because I'm not intimidating."
If you chose mostly Bs, then you are King Stefan from Sleeping Beauty! You are such a great dad that you only have like, five minutes of screen time in the entire movie! Beyond giving life to Princess Aurora, you didn't do much else for her. Fail to protect her from an evil witch fairy? Check. Let her go be raised by three bumbling fairies out in the woods for sixteen years while you sit around in your castle and twiddle your thumbs? Check. Get drunk while arranging a marriage for her probably the minute she came out of the womb in order to benefit your kingdom? Check. Nice work, Stefan. (By the way, I had to look up his name because I had no idea what it was or if he even had one.) You did destroy all of the spindles in the kingdom though, so that was pretty nice (because there aren't spindles in the other kingdoms to worry about. Definitely not).
But really though--instead of making your castle, oh, I don't know, DEMON FAIRY PROOF, you were more concerned with betrothing your infant daughter to marry an infant Prince Phillip when they got older as a political move to merge their two kingdoms together! If that doesn't say love, I don't know what does. And like, what if Prince Phillip ended up being gross? Or a creep? And he wasn't dashing and handsome and willing to risk his life to kill the embodiment of evil for a girl he'd only met once upon a dream? (Okay, King Stefan, I guess your making sure your daughter got a beauty spell cast on her came in handy after all. You've got a point.)
Famous line: "Goodbye, Aurora! Come back when you're pretty! Have fun growing up with some weird fairies!"
Buckle up, my friends, because if you chose mostly Cs, then you are King Triton from The Little Mermaid! Despite your manly-fish physique, flowing hair, and golden armbands, oh and your magical TRIDENT, you have an insecurity complex that stretches further than the depths of the Mariana Trench. BUT YOU ARE THE KING AND YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT SO THERE. Instead of trying to reason with your daughter or show any shred of kindness or understanding when you discover her secret human shrine, you blow it up and scare her so bad she ends up in an even worse situation than the mix-species relationship you were so concerned about in the first place when she goes running off for the gross octopus witch thing, Ursula. Good job, Triton. And can we talk about how you basically ignore your other daughters? Aren't there like ten of them? But you only care about Ariel. What a great dad.
Despite your temper and your lack of understanding, though, you really do love your daughter and want her to be happy. You're just not the best at showing it when you're blowing stuff up and yelling at her and everything.
Famous line: "DO WHAT I SAY OR I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE. NOW SING FOR DADDY."
If you chose mostly Ds, then you're Andy's Dad from Toy Story! Now, you may be thinking, hey, I never saw Andy's dad when I was watching Toy Stories 1-3, what can you possibly mean? Well, Andy must have had a dad, right? (Unless this is a Shmi Skywalker thing, in which case, NOOOOOOOO). He's just not in the picture--literally. So there's a good chance he's probably a pretty horrible dad. And since you answered mostly Ds, so are you. You either abandoned your kid before they were even born, or you don't even exist. Get yourself together, Andy's Dad.
Famous line: *cricket noises*
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