You know those people who adamantly oppose any mention of Christmas until after the turkey's crammed into tupperware for leftovers and everyone's knocked out on the floor from excess amounts of tryptophan in their blood? The ones who hear even the slight tinkling of jingle bells in a song prior to December and tense up in rage? And who can't function until they tell everyone about what an abomination it is to listen to Christmas music before the stroke of midnight after Thanksgiving?
Yeah. I'm not one of those people. I'm more like this:
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| I promise I'm mentally stable. |
I just love everything about Christmas too much to let myself join them....but even I have my limits. Because honestly, some Christmas records just need to be used as target practice for the tributes in the Hunger Games... or thrown into the ocean and then ripped apart by sharks...or, like...run over by a reindeer. And then everyone would be happy. Because they're just that horrendous.
Allow me to explain, in song. Just kidding. I'm just going to make a list like I always do because I'm original and stuff.
Whose idea was this collaboration? Really, I want to know. Probably someone evil. It's like someone was just like "You know what? I just decided that I hate everyone on the earth. Let's get two of the most annoying singers ever together and ruin a perfectly good song." It's basically the equivalent of someone today pairing up Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber together to sing this. Rod Stewart sounds like he has a life-threatening case of emphysema and Dolly Parton sings like what I'd imagine a Barbie to sound like. Which is bad. So I'm basically convinced that the decision to put them together on this one was some kind of sick conspiracy.
Not that I'm, like, xenophobic or something, but seriously- just pick one language and stick to it, people. It's like they wanted to make a Christmas song in Spanish, but they didn't think people would understand what they were singing about so they just awkwardly added the English parts in it. And also, it's not like we play Christmas music that's also in Russian, or Afrikaans, or like, Yiddish or something. How is that fair to everyone, hmm? But I think the worse part about it is how ridiculously redundant it is. If you want to wish me a merry Christmas WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO IT ALREADY. WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK. I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE GOSH.
3. Christmas in the Northwest
I'm pretty sure that most people have never heard this, but anyone who lives in the Northwest knows that this song is the reason we're all terrified to listen to Christmas radio stations. We live in constant fear that this might start playing and that we won't be be able to turn it off. I really don't need to say anything else about it, because its atrocity speaks for itself.
4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Most of these songs just annoy me, but this one actually makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable every time I have the misfortune of hearing it. Everything about it is just disturbing. Kissing? Tickling under beards? The fact that the kid singing is totally fine with his seemingly adulterous mother making out with a hairy stranger who broke into the house? Gross. Just gross. Whoever wrote this one must have thought, "Yeah, let's take an innocent holiday tradition and make it as creepy and perverted as we possibly can." This clip accurately expresses my thoughts about this song.
I'm pretty sure that most people have never heard this, but anyone who lives in the Northwest knows that this song is the reason we're all terrified to listen to Christmas radio stations. We live in constant fear that this might start playing and that we won't be be able to turn it off. I really don't need to say anything else about it, because its atrocity speaks for itself.
4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Most of these songs just annoy me, but this one actually makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable every time I have the misfortune of hearing it. Everything about it is just disturbing. Kissing? Tickling under beards? The fact that the kid singing is totally fine with his seemingly adulterous mother making out with a hairy stranger who broke into the house? Gross. Just gross. Whoever wrote this one must have thought, "Yeah, let's take an innocent holiday tradition and make it as creepy and perverted as we possibly can." This clip accurately expresses my thoughts about this song.
5. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
All I have to say is that if we all don't live in a trailer park, why should we have to listen to music that makes us feel like we do? Food for thought. And maybe I'm the only one here, but I actually like my grandparents. Whose idea was it to write an upbeat song about their grandmother's death? "I believe in Santa Claus because he killed my grandma." That's a lovely sentiment, isn't it? But radio stations keep it around because apparently nothing says 'Christmas' like banjos and a morbid tale of nonchalant seniorcide. The only reason I can even moderately condone this song is because it chronicles the consequences of drinking eggnog...and I hate eggnog with a passion.
6. Christmas Shoes
All I have to say is that if we all don't live in a trailer park, why should we have to listen to music that makes us feel like we do? Food for thought. And maybe I'm the only one here, but I actually like my grandparents. Whose idea was it to write an upbeat song about their grandmother's death? "I believe in Santa Claus because he killed my grandma." That's a lovely sentiment, isn't it? But radio stations keep it around because apparently nothing says 'Christmas' like banjos and a morbid tale of nonchalant seniorcide. The only reason I can even moderately condone this song is because it chronicles the consequences of drinking eggnog...and I hate eggnog with a passion.
6. Christmas Shoes
And because one song about death wasn't enough, this exists. This song is the horrible equivalent of every cheesy, badly-made Hallmark movie ever filmed. Instead of making me emotional like it's calculated to, it just leaves me with a lot of questions- questions I would ask the kid in the song if I had the chance. Like, "If you love your mom so much why aren't you spending her last moments with her instead of at the shoe store?" or "You do realize that when she dies she won't be able to take anything with her...like those shoes. They will just be glued to her cold, lifeless feet." And since when do a pair of shoes make someone look beautiful? I don't know about you, but I tend to look people in the face. Not their feet. GET IT TOGETHER KID.
When it comes down to it, the only Christmas song we really need is this one. Yep.
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