THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND

Every once in a while, I'll just be living my life and something happens that confuses me. I'm sure no one else can relate to this. Usually I can (and do) come up with reasons for the existence of most things. Chocolate? Happiness. People who don't understand sarcasm? Entertainment. Babies? The perpetuation of the human race. It's all quite simple, really. But over the last little while I've realized that there are a few things whose existence can't be summed up so simply. In fact, I've come to the conclusion that they CAN'T be explained. And I have illustrated each of them to better articulate my feelings. Proceed.

1. Dust. Just...dust, man.

I'm not a messy person. I keep things #clean. But no matter what I do, no matter how tidy I keep my room, dust somehow lands on everything. EVERYTHING. I understand it landing on the objects that sit on top of my shelves and desk, but underneath shelves and cubby hole things? What? How does it get in there? What is dust, anyways? Where does it come from and how does it find its way into every nook and cranny in my apartment? How can it both fall down on things and travel sideways into under-hangings? Does it have some sort of intelligence that allows it to fly wherever it wants? I DON'T GET IT. WHY DOES IT EXIST. So because this stuff is so strange and inexplicable, I've come to the conclusion that it comes from an equally mysterious and diabolical source: The Dust Fairy. Like her cousin the Tooth Fairy, or her more distant relative Santa Claus, The Dust Fairy enters your house while you are either sleeping or out at work and uses her dark magic to shoot dust all up in your business. She is omniscient and omnipresent, and never sleeps. She also can't be destroyed, and that is why dust shows up EVERYWHERE and always will. I'm sure you believe me. But, I mean, it's as good an explanation as anything else that's out there.

                                                                                                                              
2. How mattress stores stay in business.

For as long as I can remember, every time I have driven past a mattress store in my life, it is completely deserted. Like, an open sign is flashing and everything, but no one is in the parking lot. No one is in the store. How do they stay in business? Why are there so many of them? Not only are mattresses super expensive, but they last basically forever too. So how do all these stores sell enough mattresses to stick around—especially when NO ONE IS EVER AT THEM. It just doesn't make sense to me. As depicted in the illustration above, I just assume the mattress store salesmen sing show tunes while bouncing from mattress to mattress each night because no one is there to know otherwise—and no one's going to buy the jumped-on mattresses anyways.

3. The microwave "popcorn" button

Sometimes I buy microwave popcorn, and sometimes I put it in the microwave in order to eat it. But do I ever use the "popcorn" button? NO. NO I DO NOT. Why? Because it burns it. EVERY TIME. I don't get it. I feel like the guys over at the microwave factories need to have a little chat with the guys in the microwave popcorn industry and talk this issue over so they can get it right. Either that, or they need to stop assuming they know the right duration of time necessary to perfectly pop my popcorn and just get rid of the button. Because they're wrong. And I know this is probably surprising, but I have no desire to eat black, ashy, looks-like-the-remains-of-a-cremated-person popcorn.

4. "One Size Fits Most"

Every now and then at the store, I'll run into an item of clothing for sale that is labeled "One Size Fits Most." This type of label is typically found on scarves, hats, gloves, and the occasional rain poncho. And yes, one size may fit most, but it can't fit everyone, right? What about people with really long necks, or freakishly large hands? What about people so morbidly overweight that they would need an entire tarp to shield themselves from the rain? What about the man in the illustration above with a ginormous noggin? What do these people do? I feel bad for anyone who tries on a hat at the store meant to fit everyone that doesn't fit them. Is this a form of bullying? Probably. "One Size Fits Most...except for YOU Billy Fat Head!" I am convinced that if this ambiguous size did not exist, we'd eliminate the need for approximately 74% of therapists.

 5. Tuxedo Shirts

I think this one is self-explanatory.