WHO IS REY? MORE THEORIES THAT EVERYONE SHOULD CONSIDER

Like most people on the planet by now, I have seen the new Star Wars movie. Twice. And I loved it. It perfectly blended the original trilogy with new characters, a new plot line, and brought theaters full of complete strangers together. I AM A WITNESS. But it also left everyone with a lot of questions. Questions like, what's up with Kylo Ren's wimpy-looking ship? Why can't I pull off an up-do like Carrie Fisher? Why am I overcome with a burning desire to give BB-8 a hug and wrap all of that spherical cuteness in my arms? 

And, the biggest question of all—who is Rey?

Since the movie premiered, theories surrounding this question have been discussed by countless articles all over the internet. Is she Han and Leia's daughter? Luke's? Obi-Wan Kenobi's? Only time will tell. But until then, I've come up with a few alternate explanations for Rey's origins that are all just as plausible and have just as much evidence as the theories of her either being the daughter of Leia, Luke, or Obi-Wan. But seriously. They're really good:

My level of obsession with them is almost unhealthy. Almost.

• She was created by midi-chlorians, and has nothing to do with the Skywalkers. 

• Unkar Plutt is actually her father, and he made her think someone was going to come back to Jakku for her so she'd stay there and keep bringing him cool stuff and be his slave.

• In that scene where we see Rey as a little girl screaming at the ship flying away leaving her, that's actually the ship that took Finn away to be a baby stormtrooper and they were brother and sister. So they'll have that weird we-like-each-other-but-we're-actually-siblings thing in Episode VIII like Luke and Leia. Lando Calrissian is her father.

• She is Chewbacca's daughter, as female Wookies are hairless. We just had no idea.

• She is Obi-Wan reincarnated as a woman—explaining her British accent.

• Kylo Ren is actually her father, which explains why he is so shocked when he hears about her the first few times. (He didn't want his parents to find out.)

• She is actually Luke and Leia's triplet sister who was put into cryosleep when she was born.

• She is Padmé's sister put into cryosleep.

• She was Anakin's twin also created by midi-chlorians who was put into cryosleep to keep Anakin from killing her in the womb. What?

• She is Yoda's other protégé who he put into cryosleep when he saw the future that Luke would fail training the new jedi. 

• She is Obi-Wan's sister who he put into cryosleep because he wanted to be the only British jedi. 

• She is Boba Fett's daughter, conceived in the Sarlacc and then put into cryosleep, because that gross pit is actually a gigantic cryo chamber. So...Boba Fett is still alive too, and they will reunite in Episode VIII.

.......

So yeah. There are some more theories to think about. Let me know how you feel about them, because I'm pretty positive that, like, at least seven or all of these are contenders.

(Especially the cryosleep ones. I bet it's that.)