A REAL ISSUE, EVERYONE

Amongst all the talk today about women's rights and gender equality, I am disappointed that a very important topic within this realm isn't getting the attention it deserves. 

And that topic, that thing, is deodorant. 

WHY is it that men have endless options for deodorant that all smell amazing and come in well-designed, mature-looking packaging while women have to scour through a horrible selection of options filled with scents like "vanilla cupcake" and "passion fruit tango" that look like they were packaged by a five-year-old girl with a penchant for glitter? 

The men's aisle is like, "Here's 25 different options to choose from--you can't go wrong pal," and then the women's is like "Would you like to smell like baby powder or a sugar cube? Or can I interest you in smelling like a rotten pomegranate?" 

Men can choose between scents labeled "Timber", "Foxcrest", "Denali", "Apollo", "Adrenaline", or "Arctic Edge"-- scents created from a mixture of other scents to actually smell GOOD. Women apparently just have to smell like something that already exists out there in the world, with names like "Wild Rose", "Truth or Pear", "Cocoa Butter Kiss", "Powder Fresh", and "Cucumber Green Tea". Pick a fruit, any fruit. Or a flower. Or smell like a baby. But that's it. 

Frankly, I don't think we can ever achieve gender equality until this glaring issue is resolved, and women's deodorant isn't horrible. 

Someone please step up on this soapbox with me. 

Thank you for your time. 

OUR NYC CHECKLIST

Hey guys! I can't believe it, but while we were in NYC we checked off EVERYTHING we had on our to-do list! Every single thing. To prove it, I am going to share it with you:

1. Listen to random guys start softly (and badly) freestyle rapping on the subway multiple times and sit there passively with everyone else like it isn't happening.

2. Give some cash to a paranoid schizophrenic by the Washington Square Arch who asks if we have a Soundcloud account in order to listen to his music.

3. Observe a man covered in pigeons. 

4. Watch two homeless people dance erratically and somewhat inappropriately while a guy plays Superstition on his electric guitar in a subway station while a hundred people stand there and avert their gaze like this happens every day and realize that you will never hear that song without thinking about this moment again. 

5. See subway rats.

6. Get high fives from Jimmy Fallon and get really close to Glenn Close.

7. Spend an exorbitant amount of money on Hamilton tickets that you will be embarrassed to admit to anyone. 

8. Get off at an unfamiliar subway station and get lost walking home in the dark in the rain. 

9. Get asked if we like comedy and black people by aggressive men in Times Square.

10. Get stalled at the subway station for 17 minutes on the way home one night when my husband messes up swiping his metrocard and then spend that 17 minutes waiting to re-swipe avoiding a homeless man accosting strangers trying to use their cards to get onto the subway. 

11. Get really excited about going to the Rockefeller tree lighting ceremony and then come to the realization that thousands of people will be there and avoid the area like the plague instead.

12. Have a soup nazi experience at a bagel shop on the upper west side within two hours of being in the city.

13. Hear a guy shout "GOOD FOR YOU" on the street in the most stereotypical New York accent imaginable. 

14. Step in unidentifiable liquids in subway stations.

15. Witness a very loud and horrible family argument on the subway while sitting there looking forward like nothing is happening along with everyone else. 

16. Buy the most expensive passes to the Museum of Natural History in order to "see all the special exhibits" inside and then realize very quickly that they aren't that exciting and also that they are made for seven year olds. 

17. Try to order food or read anything in China town and feel the very real confusion that millions of people in our country feel all the time.

18. (On my husband's list) Get called "sexy guy" by a homeless woman on the street. 

19. See a Subway within a subway and have a a very real Inception moment. 

20. Hunt down filming locations from You've Got Mail and get sad seeing Kathleen Kelly's house looking rather dumpy now. 

POTATO DAMERON AND BB-TATE

You guys. I have a problem. 

EXCERPTS FROM EDGAR ALLAN POE DAMERON'S "THE DROID"

Once upon a midnight dreary, while piloting, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious planet of the system's yore—

      While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

      As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my cockpit door.

“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my cockpit door—

            Only this and nothing more.”

                                                  .........

                     But BB-8, spinning lonely on the desert sand, spoke only

               That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.

                     Nothing farther then he uttered--not a secret map he shuttered---

                     Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other droids have left before--

               On the morrow he will leave me, as my friends have flown before."

                           Then the droid said "Nevermore." 

                                                              .........

                 “Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if droid or devil!—

            Whether First Order sent, or if tempest tossed thee here ashore,

                  Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted—

                  On this home by Horror haunted—tell me truly, I implore—

            Is there—is Luke Skywalker alive? —tell me—tell me, I implore!”

                        Quoth BB-8, “Nevermore.”

                                                           .........

               And BB-8, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

        On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;

               And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,

               And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;

        And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor

                     Shall be lifted—nevermore!

MOANING MYRTLE CELEBRATES HALLOWEEN

A BRITISH CHAP FOR YOUR POCKET

Today I wished that I could have a little British child in my pocket that I could pull out and use to disband conversations any time people are saying weird or cringeworthy things. For example, when a strange and inappropriate discussion involving bodily functions occurred in the office today, I could have ushered in my little British lad (with the gusto of one throwing a Pokéball to summon one's trusty Pikachu) and he would have stood there and proclaimed with a small but urgent voice:

"I WILL NOT HAVE IT!"

"YOU MUST NOT TALK ANY LONGER!"

"GOOD DAY TO YOU!"

and then jumped back into my pocket, leaving everyone speechless. 

Maybe if I wish for him again tomorrow, he'll show up in my pocket. 

HELLO, OCTOBER

There's something about the month of October and this time of year that stirs up all of the nostalgia and love I have for the time I spent completing an English degree--something that seems to prick the collective heart of the literary-minded the world over and cause even the most modest of wordsmiths to wax poetic. This, among so many other reasons (PUMPKINS), is why October is my most favorite of months. So, to celebrate the beginning of this glorious time, I put together some words from wonderful writers to share with you (that were almost certainly spurred into creation by the same kinds of feelings we're all having right now). Grab a cup of cider, slip into some thick woolen socks, and enjoy. 

A CHORUS OF LEAVES

ODE TO A HUMMINGBIRD

Although Fall doesn't officially begin until late September, I'm one of those people who wants expects the weather to start turning cooler and more autumnal as soon as Labor Day gets itself over with. It's not that I don't like the Summer. I actually really like Summer.  My birthday is in the Summer, vacations usually happen in the Summer, and I like getting more freckles and making s'mores and longer daylight and all of those things. I just don't like Summer when it means 90+ degree weather ALL THE TIME. It's kind of hard to do summery things outside and enjoy them when twenty minutes outside of air conditioning makes you feel and look like you've ben stuck in a damp plastic bag and left on a dashboard. And then when you feel like that EVERY SINGLE DAY for THREE MONTHS, is it that surprising that you're kind of done with it? And possibly developing a very real case of Summer S.A.D? (I don't really think I have this, but there were a few days this Summer when I was like, I HAVE SAD. EVERYONE I HAVE SAD.) 

So right now, as it's still getting into the 90s every day and I have a closet full of sweaters itching to be worn (there's a striped one that is getting particularly eager--I have to shake him off in the mornings), I'm just a little very done. Very, very done. I sincerely hope I have emphasized this enough. I can keep emphasizing if you need me to. I minored in Emphasis. 

But I digress.

A week or so ago (or probably like six or seven weeks ago because this year is flying past me), I was looking out of our kitchen window when a hummingbird descended from a tree up above and zipped down to hover right beyond the window and stare at me. The moment didn't last long--within a few beats he had zoomed back up and over the tree out of sight. But it made me pause, if only for another moment, and think about how fantastic it was. I've always loved hummingbirds. I love how you see them so rarely, so when they do edge into your peripheral vision it's always exciting and fleeting and magical--the way they beat their wings so fast and cut through the air like some otherworldly UFOs. Encountering one is special. 

I also recently learned that a group of hummingbirds is called a charm or a glittering. 

A CHARM. 

A GLITTERING.

I swear I didn't make this up. A group of hummingbirds seen together at once is so special and so unusual and so magical that the grand namer of animal groups (Dave) decided to call them a charm (or a glittering). Which perfectly fits with how I feel when I see just one on its own, and of course how I felt that day when that tiny, jewel of a hummingbird deigned to visit me down below outside my window. Charmed. 

Which brings me to the end of the sidewalk of my thoughts. Day-to-day life is muddy and messy, often arduous, and full of days just hot enough to make you want to throw things. And that isn't going to change. Fall will come, yes, but afterward will be a Winter you at first embrace then quickly denounce once the Christmas tree is taken down. There will always be something, every day, that you could choose to allow to bother you and get you down. Maybe even multiple somethings--waiting to frustrate and disturb and upset around every corner. But there are also charms of hummingbirds waiting around the next, or perhaps even just one on its own, flying down to hover outside your window to remind you that they exist. To remind you that there is beauty and joy and goodness to find just as much as there are things to complain about. 

Sometimes it's just a glittering on the edge of a regular humdrum day, other times it's overflowing right in front of you, but it's always there. And it always will be. 

And that isn't going to change. 

HAPPY BACK TO HOGWARTS DAY

AN EXISTENTIAL QUESTION THROWN INTO THE VOID

It is a truth universally acknowledged that one of the most simple joys in life is going into a Chick-fil-A, placing an order for a chicken sandwich, and then thanking the workers profusely to get them to say "My pleasure!" a million times. 

I think Jane Austen wrote that. 

At least, up until today, that was true. Because up until today, the workers at Chick-fil-A always said that to me. They gave me my allotted two Chick-fil-A sauces. They smiled. And I believed it. But now, I am left to grapple with one of the most difficult questions mankind has ever asked:

What happens when you thank the worker bringing your Spicy Southwest Salad to you, and they don't say "My pleasure"? 

But really though--what happens? Do you get your meal for free--like when the Dairy Queen kid doesn't flip your blizzard upside down in front of your face? Are you on a prank show, being filmed for your reaction to this bizarre absence of Southern gentility? Is this the beginning of the world's inevitable downward spiral into madness and chaos that no one will believe is happening until it's too late? 

Or, more plausibly, is this omission of relaying his privilege to serve me a sign that he really, genuinely, was not pleased to hand me my order? That he was not enjoying his job during the rush of lunch-hour patrons jockeying for their greasy bags of poultry? Did he poison my food? 

And more importantly, why do I always end up saying "I'll have the Spicy Southwest Salad" in all its full, alliterative, valley-girl-sounding horror when I always tell myself I'll shorten the name of it before I order since I feel so dumb saying it? Do I subconsciously believe the workers will not know what I'm ordering if I just asked for the "southwest salad"? Do I secretly enjoy saying something that sounds so ridiculous? Am I stupid? 

(Did he poison my food?) 

Thus ends my hunger-induced soliloquy. 

A BRAIN FULL OF NOTHING

Do you ever think about all of the stuff taking up space in your brain that could probably (definitely) be used to house more important things? 

Because I think about this a lot. 

Typically in moments when I realize that I still know exactly where to find any Pokemon in the first three generations of Pokemon games. Or when I can name really obscure figures in Greek Mythology. Or when I can rap the entirety of songs like "Ice Ice Baby" and Will Smith's "Miami". (Yes, that is still hanging on in some dark, dark corner of my brain.)

Or the other day, when I realized that, twelve years later, I can still list the 53 prepositions that I had to memorize for a 7th grade Language Arts test in alphabetical order. To prove it, I will now type them all out as fast as humanly possible--the same way I have to say them out loud since slowing down will probably make me mess up. Ahem: 

about above across after against along amid among around at atop before behind below beneath beside between beyond but by concerning down during except for from in inside into like near of off on onto out outside over past regarding since through throughout to toward under underneath until up upon with within without 

This will really come in handy in the future when I'm on Jeopardy and the final question will involve having to recite all of these prepositions. Or when I'm kidnapped someday and the only way to escape will be to recite all of these prepositions. Or when I'm stranded on a desert island and the only way to make fire and survive will be to recite all of these prepositions. Or when I'm in an action movie and the only way to stop a bomb from detonating while simultaneously rescuing the bus of children whose lives are hanging in the balance will be to recite all of these prepositions. 

The point is, with the sheer amount of random and mostly useless things that fill my brain, I'm starting to wonder just how much space is left for anything else to squeeze in. Because I'd like to leave a little room for, oh, I don't know, stuff that might actually come in handy one day...or at least stuff that really matters. But I don't think there's much hope for that because my brain is basically a giant information sponge and the thin membrane separating it from the rest of the world almost guarantees instant osmosis and retention of things like rabbits being lagomorphs and the name of Mrs. Weasley's favorite singer being Celestina Warbeck and that Hemingway's first wife's name was Hadley and that the nickname of the Onyx you can get by trading a Bellsprout in Violet City in Pokemon Silver will always be Rocky. 

Yep. 

Party in the city where the heat is on all night on the beach till the break of dawn--

Yeah, there's no hope. 

P.S. Recently, after writing this, I sang the entire "Ripped My Pants" song from Spongebob out of nowhere and knew I had to write this here to further prove the point that MY BRAIN IS FULL OF THIS STUFF AND IT TERRIFIES ME.  

THE EXTERNAL AND THE INTERNAL

I find it amusing that some of the most profound and insightful, epiphanic moments I have come in the simplest of ways and about the simplest of things. 

Take, for example, this afternoon.

Upon leaving my desk for my lunch break, I decided on a whim that, instead of sticking around the building I work in, I would walk a good distance away to another building on campus that I hadn’t been to in a long while. And there, sitting on a bench, enjoying the peaceful stillness of a college campus in the Summertime, I felt wonderful—lighter, renewed, full of inspiration and ideas. My mind was cleared of the cobwebs that stuffy office air and fluorescent lighting have a tendency to spin during the work week. My mood soared up into the clouds after the sandbags of frustration and stress dropped untethered to the ground. I sat there, delighted, and then the moment of epiphany hit me.

What changed? What brought on this utter alteration of my mental and emotional states? 

All it took was changing my physical state. 

WHY HAD THIS NOT OCCURRED TO ME BEFORE? Why had I never made the connection between a change of scenery and a subsequent change of mind? Of course, "getting some fresh air" wasn't an unknown concept to me, but it was more than just air, more than a simple swap from indoors to outdoors--it was that I took myself and moved myself somewhere different, somewhere new, somewhere that had such an effect on me, physically, that the effect seeped into my mind and heart as well. I didn't even have to consciously try to make that happen--it just happened. 

As I sat on that bench, my mind racing, I realized this principle doesn't just apply to taking a walk. It applies to so many things in our physical surroundings that we have control over every day. It applies to the clothes we dress ourselves in, the care we put into our appearance, the art we hang on our walls, the cleanliness of our homes. Putting care into and emphasis on these things is not superficial--it actually has a deep effect on our mental and emotional states, for better or worse. And it also applies to our relationships, too. 

We live in an increasingly ephemeral world, where most of our conversations and interactions with others take place behind screens and in isolated places, apart. While for many of us this doesn't seem like a problem--especially for those of us who rank high on the spectrum of introversion--in reality I think it's harmful. The physical distance, over time, dulls our mental and emotional states and causes us to feel increasingly distant inside as a result. There is such a difference when you speak with someone in person--such a strong, palpable connection that is built when you come together face to face. There have been many times that I've walked away from a visit with a good friend and felt like a piece of my soul has been fed. When we are physically distant from others, connected only through our phones and devices, we're missing out on that spark that we need, that part of physical proximity that, subconsciously, improves our minds and hearts, too. 

It's really that simple. The external pieces of our lives have such an effect on our internal well being. If you've been feeling listless or discouraged lately, perhaps you would do well to think about what you can do to change the physical things in your life instead of continuing to dwell so much on your thoughts and feelings, trapping yourself inside your own head. 

Clean your house. Cut your hair. Find a new place to walk to on your lunch break. Meet up with a friend and exist a few feet apart together for a while. It really can change everything.

The physical isn't just the backdrop to our lives, the insignificant adornment to our inner monologues and dreams. Its influence is powerful in its subtlety, profound in its simplicity, and potentially life-changing in its ability to enhance and uplift our innermost feelings and experiences.

Now please excuse me while I go tidy up the front room. 

CHRISTMAS IN JULY: THE BEST JINGLE ALL THE WAY QUOTES

As an enthusiastic purveyor of the celebration of Christmas at any time of year (when this exists, it's kind of hard not to), I would like to remind you that Christmas in July is a thing and also that one of the best Christmas movies of all time is Jingle All the Way--if only purely for how ridiculously quotable it is. It has become tradition with my brothers and I to watch this movie every Thanksgiving, and somehow it keeps getting better with time. Each year I don't think that's possible, but then you forget about things like this and this and especially this and you laugh even harder. 

So, in the sweltering heat of Summer, I invite you to sit back, pretend that there's snow outside and you're cozying up with a nice mug of hot chocolate to enjoy a viewing of this gift of a movie as you scroll through a compilation of some of my favorite Jingle All the Way quotes below. I might not be able to put a tree up or line the eaves of our house with Christmas lights whenever I want to, but you better believe I quote this movie all. year. long. With reckless abandon. 

THE HALO EFFECT

Scenario One:

Two detectives walk down a darkened alleyway in a classic Hollywood crime drama. They're wearing trench coats and smoking cigars underneath lowered pork pie hats. This is playing. It's sepia-toned, or, at least, it feels somehow sepia-toned. 

Detective Jim Sawyer: I don't know about you, Bart, but I think this latest piece of evidence points directly to our prime suspect.

Detective Bart Jefferson: I could see why you might think that, Jim, but he's not the killer, see.

Sawyer: Oh really, now? And why is that, Bart?

Jefferson: Isn't it obvious, Jim?

Sawyer: No, it's not, Bart. We found his ring at the scene of the crime! How could he not be the killer? 

*the camera zooms in closer to Bart's face as the music swells into climactic suspense*

Jefferson: He's from Wisconsin, Jim. There's no way a man from Winsconsin could commit such a crime. 

Sawyer: *incredulous* Just because someone is from the same state as you doesn't mean they can do no wrong! Surely you know that, Bart! Surely you must know! 

Jefferson: I don't know much, Jim, but I do know this. And you've just gotta trust me. This man is innocent." 

_________________________________________________________________________________

Scenario Two: 

A mom and daughter are sitting in a quaint cafe, waiting for their orders to be served as they chat and enjoy being together during the holiday season. This is playing. This is a Hallmark movie.

Sharon: So your fiancé, Jeff, tell me about him! 

Holly: Oh, Mom, he's just so wonderful! I can't stop thinking about him! 

Sharon: So when did you two meet? 

Holly: Yesterday!

Sharon: Holly, don't you think that's a little soon? 

Holly: For most girls, yes, but this is different! 

Sharon: And how is it different? 

Holly: *leans in, eyes wide with excitement* He's from Washington! *squeals*

Sharon: Oh! If he's from Washington, just like we are, then I have no issues at all with this turn of events in your life! Let's go shop for a dress! 

Holly: I love you, Mom!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Scenario Three:

The chief of police on a gritty, weeknight television drama sits behind his desk in his well-lit office, opposite a tearful woman clutching a tissue in her hands. Generic, dramatic music creates tension in the background. 

Captain Eggers: Now, Mrs. Francis, we're going to do everything we can to find your son, but we'll need a little more information from you to make that happen. May I ask you some more questions? 

Mrs. Francis: Yes. Anything you want to know. I just want my son! *devolves into sobs*

Captain Eggers: I understand. But you're going to have to hold it together just a little longer. Is that alright? 

Mrs. Francis: Yes, yes. Of course it is. 

Captain Eggers: Okay. So we believe your son was taken by this man. *holds up a picture* Do you recognize him? 

Mrs. Francis: Yes, I do. I left my son with him while I ran back to my car to grab my purse, and when I got back, he was gone. But there's no way it's him! 

Captain Eggers: Why are you so sure? 

Mrs. Francis: He said he was from California! 

Captain Eggers: What? 

Mrs. Francis: I'm from California, and whenever other people are from California, too, I just trust them--even if they're a complete stranger. Because they're from California! 

Captain Eggers: But aren't there millions of people in California? How could every person from California be trustworthy?

Mrs. Francis: I just know.

HAPPY CANADA D'EH

WHICH LAME DISNEY DAD ARE YOU?

Happy Father's Day! I hope that you and your dads (but mostly your dads--unless you are also a dad) have a wonderful day soaking up all of the love you're getting from your kids and society at large. With a few more ties in your tie collection, a new putter, and homemade construction paper coupons for things your kids will never do for you, you'll be ready to embark on the next 365 days of being a dad once again. Good luck.

Fathers really are so important in children's lives, which is why Disney always goes out of their way to depict extremely loving, caring, understanding, and present dads in all of their classic movies. Just kidding. Disney dads are the worst. And yeah, yeah, I know that coming-of-age stories need to have nearly absent or antagonistic or otherwise flawed parental figures in order to allow the protagonist to be free to make their own choices and all that jazz, but still. They're lame. 

So, today, you can take this quiz I made to find out just which lame Disney dad you are. Because I know you've been subconsciously wondering for years. Keep track of your answers to the following questions, and then find out your results below.


1. You've recently discovered your child appears to be missing. What do you do? 

A. I'll ask my colleague to go get her. He might be evil and incredibly manipulative, but hey! Whatever! Why would I do it myself? 

B. I haven't seen my child since she was a baby. She very well could be missing for all I know!

C. I WILL HUNT HER DOWN AND BRING HER HOME IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO.

D. I have a kid? 


2. Your daughter just told you that she has a boyfriend. What is your reaction?

A. Oh, wonderful! I've been telling her to find a man for years. I don't even care who it is! 

B. My daughter never talks to me. Because she doesn't know me. But if she did have a boyfriend, it would definitely be one I arranged for her to have. 

C. I WILL DESTROY HIM WITH MY POWER.

D. I don't know, I've never had a daughter. Or a son. At least, I don't live with them or have any contact with them if I have them. Why are you asking me these questions?


3. What's the best parenting advice you've ever received?

A. I find it best to be put be put under mind control whenever I need to make an important decision regarding my child. 

B. Send the kid away and have other people raise them--and especially not super competent people. That's important.

C. YELLING AT KIDS ALWAYS WORKS AND IT MAKES THEM LOVE YOU MORE. ALSO, BEING REALLY STRICT WILL MAKE THEM OBEY YOU.

D. Leave before they could ever know you. Or just don't have kids. 


4. What is the worst thing that your child could have when they're growing up?

A. The ability to sneak out of the house.

B. A spinning wheel, of course! 

C. FREEDOM.

D. Toys.

         

5. Tell us about your child's mom!

A. We never speak of her. She's either dead or she left us!

B. She doesn't say much, but boy is she pretty!

C. SAME ANSWER AS A. 

D. Oh, she's awesome. (If I had a kid....do I have a kid?)

6. What is your occupation?

A. King

B. King

C. KING

D. I'm unemployed...I think. 


7. What do you think makes a child the happiest? 

A. Big cats, getting married off, and living with an evil man in the house!

B. Fairies! And quaint little cottages! And arranged marriages! 

C. SINGING FOR THEIR DAD. AND NOT LEAVING HIM. 

D. Probably having their dad around. Sucks for any kids I might have. 


8. What would be your ideal Father's Day gift?

A. Little trinkets to add to my collections! And for my daughter to find a suitor! 

B. The praise of my kingdom! 

C. FOR NONE OF MY CHILDREN TO GROW LEGS AND LIVE ON LAND.

D. Some alone time. If I was a dad, I'd probably need some of that. (Am I a dad?)

9. What's the hardest part about being a dad?

A. Trying to be an authority figure and laying down the law when I look like a cream puff. 

B. Waiting for your child to turn 16. It takes FOREVER. 

C. WHEN MY KIDS DON'T LISTEN TO ME. 

D. You guys, you're starting to freak me out--am I really a dad? What's going on??


10. When it comes down to it, what is the most important thing you can teach a child?

A. Always listen to your advisor, even if they're evil! Also, mind control isn't a thing! 

B. Make friends with fairies who can make you beautiful!

C. THAT DAD IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

D. I've never asked myself this question before......BECAUSE I'M NOT A DAD.....(I think.)

Did you choose mostly As? If so, then you are the Sultan from Aladdin! Though you truly do mean well, you care a little too much about marrying your daughter off to try to understand how she feels. Also, you're a pushover. Oh, and you're housing an evil maniac in your palace that would marry your daughter and take your throne in a split second if you were ever to become incapacitated....and, well, he has the ability to do that to you, too. (And he does it a lot.) So that's not good.

We will say though, it's hard to be a great dad when you're under mind control half the time. So we'll cut you some slack, Sultan. But then again...you couldn't tell Jafar was bad news when you weren't under mind control, so we're a little worried about your judgment. Also because you thought a pet tiger for your daughter was a good idea. And, when you think you're laying down the law, your daughter still sneaks out of the house all the time without you even knowing. So you're kind of a mess. You're a pushover, but we love you anyway. 

Famous line: "I'm going to keep an evil villain in our house and give you a tiger and hopefully everything will turn out good! Also, I'm going to keep telling you that you need to get married even though I know that you're going to do what you want anyway because I'm not intimidating." 

If you chose mostly Bs, then you are King Stefan from Sleeping Beauty! You are such a great dad that you only have like, five minutes of screen time in the entire movie! Beyond giving life to Princess Aurora, you didn't do much else for her. Fail to protect her from an evil witch fairy? Check. Let her go be raised by three bumbling fairies out in the woods for sixteen years while you sit around in your castle and twiddle your thumbs? Check. Get drunk while arranging a marriage for her probably the minute she came out of the womb in order to benefit your kingdom? Check. Nice work, Stefan. (By the way, I had to look up his name because I had no idea what it was or if he even had one.) You did destroy all of the spindles in the kingdom though, so that was pretty nice (because there aren't spindles in the other kingdoms to worry about. Definitely not). 

But really though--instead of making your castle, oh, I don't know, DEMON FAIRY PROOF, you were more concerned with betrothing your infant daughter to marry an infant Prince Phillip when they got older as a political move to merge their two kingdoms together! If that doesn't say love, I don't know what does. And like, what if Prince Phillip ended up being gross? Or a creep? And he wasn't dashing and handsome and willing to risk his life to kill the embodiment of evil for a girl he'd only met once upon a dream? (Okay, King Stefan, I guess your making sure your daughter got a beauty spell cast on her came in handy after all. You've got a point.) 

Famous line: "Goodbye, Aurora! Come back when you're pretty! Have fun growing up with some weird fairies!" 

Buckle up, my friends, because if you chose mostly Cs, then you are King Triton from The Little Mermaid! Despite your manly-fish physique, flowing hair, and golden armbands, oh and your magical TRIDENT, you have an insecurity complex that stretches further than the depths of the Mariana Trench. BUT YOU ARE THE KING AND YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT SO THERE. Instead of trying to reason with your daughter or show any shred of kindness or understanding when you discover her secret human shrine, you blow it up and scare her so bad she ends up in an even worse situation than the mix-species relationship you were so concerned about in the first place when she goes running off for the gross octopus witch thing, Ursula. Good job, Triton. And can we talk about how you basically ignore your other daughters? Aren't there like ten of them? But you only care about Ariel. What a great dad. 

Despite your temper and your lack of understanding, though, you really do love your daughter and want her to be happy. You're just not the best at showing it when you're blowing stuff up and yelling at her and everything. 

Famous line: "DO WHAT I SAY OR I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE. NOW SING FOR DADDY." 

If you chose mostly Ds, then you're Andy's Dad from Toy Story! Now, you may be thinking, hey, I never saw Andy's dad when I was watching Toy Stories 1-3, what can you possibly mean? Well, Andy must have had a dad, right? (Unless this is a Shmi Skywalker thing, in which case, NOOOOOOOO). He's just not in the picture--literally. So there's a good chance he's probably a pretty horrible dad. And since you answered mostly Ds, so are you. You either abandoned your kid before they were even born, or you don't even exist. Get yourself together, Andy's Dad.

Famous line: *cricket noises*