10 REASONS WHY YOUR LIFE ISN'T COMPLETELY ATROCIOUS

Reading a novel is an experience quite unlike any other. Page after page, chapter after chapter, we become emotionally invested or otherwise absorbed in a story completely separate from our own. If only for a brief moment, we escape the trials and tribulations of everyday life and become wrapped up in another. It's almost like watching reality television. Beautiful, isn't it?

...except for when you're reading Jane Austen novels and after the initial "Ohthat'ssoromanticthey'resoinlovetheirlivesaresoperfect" feelings you abruptly sink into darkness and grovel in the depths of self-pity. And you die a little inside. You roll up in a bitter ball of cynicism and misery because you and a certain Mr. Darcy will definitely never engage in witty, prejudiced banter, Peeta Mellark will never risk his life for you, and a relationship like Ron and Hermione's was too magical to ever be replicated in reality.

But the authors know this. They, too, have experienced your pain. And that's why we have characters whose lives are so completely and utterly horrible that our only reaction can be SWEET GOODNESS MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEIR COLLECTIVE LIVES. So, in case you're feeling a bit down in the literary doldrums, or the actual, literal doldrums, or you're just, like, sad or something, I made this for you.

Because regardless of how incredibly horrendous your life may currently seem, these people’s lives are a BAJILLION TIMES WORSE. So go ahead and feel good about yourself. I dare you.

(Also, I feel like I should include a warning: This entire post is a GIGANTIC spoiler alert. So proceed with caution.)

1. The monster from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. This is pretty self-explanatory. Even if you might actually look like you were sewn together with pieces from various rotting corpses, chances are you don't have mobs of rabid villagers chasing after you wherever you go. But if I'm wrong, and you do...run. Run as fast as your awkward, decomposing, incompatible legs will carry you.

2. Jay Gatsby, after whom F. Scott Fitzgerald ironically named his famous novel, The Great Gatsby. He becomes insanely successful in order to achieve his dreams in life, and ends up instead with an empty mansion and a flickering green light across the bay that taunts him nightly. Oh yeah, and a bullet in his back. That too. Do you have a bullet in your back? I DON'T THINK SO.

3. Piggy in Lord of the Flies, by William Golding. Everyone hated him. He was chunky. He wore glasses. And he was stranded on an island with boys whose animal instincts prompted his demise. Yeah. Your C- in Chemistry doesn't sound so bad now, does it? You could be Piggy...or whatever parts are left of Piggy after he dies.

4. The dark and brooding Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, by Emily Brontë. Now, as a disclaimer, I've never actually read this book (mostly due to the fact that it is referenced in Twilight so much). But Heathcliff's life is so ridiculously terrible that I am aware of it without even having to put forth the effort to find out why. So yeah. Be glad you're not this dude.

5. Hamlet from Shakespeare's, you guessed it, Hamlet. First of all, his father dies. But as if that's not bad enough, the ghost of his father keeps showing up and telling him to kill his uncle who apparently killed Hamlet's father, prompting Hamlet to go insane because he has no idea if he's seeing things or if the ghost is real. Or if his uncle is really a murderer. And then the love of his life kills herself. And then everyone else kills each other. So if you're still reading this sentence, and breathing, chances are your life is indeed better than Hamlet's. 

6. Rose of Sharon from John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath. Living in the Great Depression would be bad enough, but this young woman traveled halfway across the country while pregnant and living as a homeless person for months while her family sought employment. And in the end, no one had a job, lots of them died--including her baby--and then the book ended with her......actually, I don't even want to talk about what she does. It's that repulsive. *full body shiver*

7. Oedipus. Just, Oedipus, man. Later on in his life, he discovers that he was left to die by his royal parents as a baby, but after being saved and living a life ignorant of his past, he killed his real father and...made children with his mother. Which causes him to stab himself IN THE EYES with his wife/mother/person's brooches to punish himself- a reaction that most people would undoubtedly have after becoming aware of such perverted information. I GUARANTEE your life will never reach this depth of horror. 

8. I sincerely hope this one is self-explanatory.

9. Estella from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. Growing up under the guidance of the completely deranged Miss Havisham, who was jilted by her fiancé on her wedding day and hasn't moved on since, Estella is taught that men are horrible, untrustworthy creatures and becomes Miss Havisham's means of wreaking havoc on the male species. Thus, Estella's life is ruined and she never learns to love. So even if the only source of love in your life is a houseful of cats, your love life is approximately 70% better than Estella's. Bravo. And please, buy yourself a lint roller.

10. The Half-Blood Prince himself, Severus Snape. I don't think it gets much worse than this, folks. Enduring a horrible childhood, being bullied by all of your peers, losing the only woman you ever loved who was also the source of all your happiness to your arch rival, entangling yourself with the most dangerous, noseless villain the world has ever seen, and worst of all, having all of these horrible things being shoved in your face daily by the very existence of a certain cocky, determined Gryffindor named Harry Potter. We should all just give Professor Snape a big hug. 

Too bad he is also dead, and hugging him would be frowned upon......not to mention very, very gross.