Technology is great.
Yes, it might be ruining our social skills, wasting our time, and turn out to be the means of a catastrophic robot mutiny that will eventually end all life as we know it, but that doesn't stop me from using it. And, as I've discovered, that hasn't driven anyone else away from gettin' all technological on a daily basis either.
But like all great things, an unexpected and unwanted byproduct soon emerged from our precious invention, and before we could attempt to quench the flames of our own wrongdoing a permanent scar was left upon the face of technology forever. What does this scar look like, you ask?
^^ Like that. Or this:
These punctuated profiles have spread throughout the internet over time and are referred to as "emoticons." While such a name might suggest that they are in fact a group of ancient reptiles or a species inhabiting a distant planet in a Star Wars movie, they are actually punctuation marks arranged in such a way that they form varying facial expressions. JUST AS COOL, AMIRITE? If you still are having trouble understanding this incredibly difficult and complex artistic feat, tilt your head to the left and become enlightened by the images above. Enjoy.
As technology has infiltrated practically every aspect of society, so has the use of emoticons. These little guys have even become a new means of punctuation, simultaneously encouraging the disgraceful lack of grammatical knowledge displayed by our generation while also helping us end a sentence on those days when finding the period key on the keyboard is just too strenuous of an act to attempt.
And honestly, I really can't think of a better way to end a sentence than with a creepy, sideways face.
But why have emoticons become so prevalent? Or rather, what possesses people to press the shift key with their pinkies and prolong this pandemic? And why do I keep shamelessly using alliteration? These are all intriguing questions. So, with the psychology degree that I do not have, I have come up with five reasons to explain why we use emoticons, in no particular order. Proceed:
1. To flirt with people.
Instead of just sending a message that says:
"Hey. I like you. We should date or something.",
we've concocted this strange, twisted game where we use emoticons in a cowardly attempt to signal our interest and gauge our potential significant other's affection in the process. That's right, folks, all you have to do is tack on a colon and an ending parentheses mark to the end of any mundane sentence and you, too, can supposedly discover the depths of your special someone's feelings toward you without losing any dignity. Although...I don't know how much dignity is left in our society when it results in messages like this:
"Oh yeah. I ate breakfast, too ;)"
"We talked about the Holocaust today :)"
"I totally get why you're so rebellious to your parents, Hotty McDangerous. I mean, my parents always tell me to stop sucking my thumb, but I don't listen to them. So hardcore, right? :)"
This. This is what we've demoted ourselves to. Shakespeare undoubtedly rolls around in his grave every time an emoticon is used to convey feelings of love. There once was a time when the sheer beauty of words was the medium of such confessions, spoken with boldness and passion...and by men wearing tights. Now, such feelings are expressed by half-hearted little faces in text messages sent by sweaty pale kids holed up in their rooms, shaking from the thought of actually letting a girl know that he likes her face...or even just talking to her in person...where emoticons are significantly harder to utilize (believe me, I've tried).
2. By older people who have no idea what they're doing.
We all have that middle-aged friend on Facebook who thinks they're "down" with the times. They know the "411" and they are more than happy to "break it down" with the rest of their young "home slices." Surprisingly, unlike their totally tubular lingo, these more...seasoned individuals do not understand the proper use of emoticons...and pretty much every other type of technological etiquette one should be aware of.
Indicators of such a perpetrator include, but are not limited to, ending every comment with a rousing LOL, or better yet, an inappropriate acronym that they do not understand, commenting on everything you post, interrupting witty threads between you and your friends with a "Grandma loves you and wants you to visit :-)," using a dash as a nose for some reason in between the colon and the parentheses, randomly typing some words in all capital letters, signing off every comment with a "Love, Aunt Carol" because they don't realize that their name always shows up along with the comment, and generally driving everyone insane. Here are some more specific examples:
"This is a gREAT PICTURE"
"HOW DO I TURN THIS OFF"
"EJFGJSDFGLZeghdfgsdfhgsdfghSDIFHGBSLDFHGBJDFHSK"
"LOVE, GRANDMA :-)"
"NEVER let ANYONE TELL YOU that YOU aren't BEAUTIFUL and LOVED. And [insert angry political comment here] LOL."
3. Because they're too lazy to think of creative ways to articulate their happiness.
Now, I understand that not everyone likes to be interesting. Some people enjoy leading bleak and empty lives. I get it. But using a smiley face to convey your feelings is really just plain sad. Instead of:
"I won my speech contest today and it feels like Disneyland is erupting out of my body and confetti is following me everywhere I go and I'm sneezing literal rainbows and glitter!"
People default to:
"I won my speech contest today :)"
Yeah. It doesn't do it for me, either.
4. Because people have come to believe that if you don't include a smiley face in a text that you obviously hate them.
I still do not understand this. But it's another one of those unspoken social rules of "Girl World" that must be followed or you're labeled as a horrible, horrible person for the rest of forever. Let me explain this with a story.
So. You let Sally borrow your necklace. She wears said necklace. A few days later, Sally has still neglected to give it back to you, which she said she would, and you decide to text her. Reasonable, right? But these are dangerous waters that you tread, for the drama-gobbling shark within Sally lurks beneath the water, waiting for you to forget this rule. Here are the two possible situations that will result from the SAME text message, with and without a smiley face:
You- "Hey Sally, I was wondering if you could maybe bring over my necklace today. Or I could pick it up if that works better for you. Just let me know! Thanks!"
Sally- "Um, I can drop it off. Sorry to inconvenience you or whatever. I didn't realize that some people in America only own one necklace. And it really didn't match my outfit, either. So yeah. But it's whatever."
OR
You- "Hey Sally, I was wondering if you could maybe bring over my necklace today. Or I could pick it up if that works better for you. Just let me know! Thanks! :)"
Sally- "Oh my goodness, girlfriend! I'm so sorry! I forgot that I had borrowed it! The necklace totally made my outfit, too :) You have the best style! And I can most definitely drop it off! Anything for the MOST BESTEST FRIEND EVAAAA!! :) <3"
It doesn't make sense. But you just have to do it. Nike taught me that.
5. To soften a harsh comment but still get to say what we really mean.
This is by far my favorite way to see people use emoticons. I mean, I'll probably be sentenced to some awful circle in hell for it, but I don't even care. It's just too great. Behold:
"I'm glad you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance :)"
"I saw a box of cats get dropped off on your porch today. I guess the animal shelter is starting a new program where they pick people that are obviously destined to never get married and give them a batch of cats early on! You're saving animals! Good for you! :)"
The end.
_______________________________________________________________________
Also, I just have to add this in here-- a few years ago I had a conversation with a friend about this face:
;)
Yes. That face. The winky face.
We decided that this face is extremely dangerous because of its highly suggestive properties. Adding this to practically ANY sentence gives it a whole new meaning, and for those who are unaware of this power, a very unintended meaning. Something completely innocent can become...something much more...um.....okay just read these:
"Did you pick up that cheese grater I asked you to get? ;)"
"Grandpa says you look really nice in that top ;)"
.......
Exactly.
"Grandpa says you look really nice in that top ;)"
.......
Exactly.
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