ALTERNATE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

If you're like me, you're starting to get a little desperate about the prospect of voting this year. Actually, you were getting a little desperate about five months ago and now you're running around in circles defeatedly sobbing and holding seances to try to commune with the founding fathers to try to get them to fix everything. You're also eating questionable things, like cake. Or paint chips.

And even if you're not like me, you should maybe still consider this list I've put together of alternate presidential candidates* when you go down to town hall to cast your vote and get your little sticker. (Why is the voting experience so similar to what happens when you give blood? Something to think about.) 

   

A Piece of Seaweed

Having travelled all over the world, from the depths of the Pacific Ocean to the shores of America’s most disease-ridden beaches, this piece of seaweed has been where no other candidate would dare to go. It is no respecter of persons, drifting alongside ocean bigwigs like Keiko back in its days as a diplomat while also spending time next to the rotting corpse of a sea lion that one time washed up next to it on shore, and I think this says a lot about this piece of seaweed. It lives without borders. It loves every grain of sand equally. It has a great foreign policy. That's the kind of plant I'd like to see in the Oval Office this November. 

Abraham Lincoln 

Unbeknownst to the majority of Americans, Abraham Lincoln was put into cryosleep in the basement of the Lincoln Memorial in case a presidential candidate ever tried to bring back slavery. Or lie. He has previously been unfrozen approximately seven times throughout history to provide guidance to leaders in crisis, but mostly because presidents just really want to wear his hat. I think Lincoln would make a great president, and 99 out of 100 pennies agree.

The Cure for Cancer

Everyone loves the cure for cancer. Not only would it save millions of lives, but even just the idea of it has brought hope to the hopeless, health to the healthless, and given a lot of jobs to scientists who otherwise might be spending their time transplanting rat heads onto other rats. If found, the cure for cancer would help the economy by allowing more people to be in the job force and take all those unwanted, open jobs that no one can ever fill. Also, everyone would be happy and live forever. Hopefully it will be found soon—I hear it's somewhere in a cave in the Caribbean.  

A Moviestar Actor Person

If all we're looking for is a face to stamp on our money, and a face that can also give great speeches, I think going with an actor would be great. George Clooney? People love George Clooney. Or Matt Damon. I heard he's gone to Mars—TWICE. That's a pretty huge accomplishment for someone his age. And, as The News has told us, being the President is just about throwing fun parties and hanging out with other celebrities, right? Presidents don’t need to know the nitty gritty of the 411 of the what's going down on the daily, as long as they have sparkly teeth. And real hair.

A Baby

By electing a baby into office as, well, a baby, we would be able to mold it into whatever type of president we wanted it to be. Also, the country could hold a contest to name it, and I think that would really bring everyone together. I'm personally considering "Harpo," or "Baby Reagan." Every time we’d hear a message from Baby Reagan, we wouldn't be able to do anything but smile and awwww and pinch our televisions' cheeks. Who's the cutest little President? Who's the smartest little leader of the free world? You are! That's right! You are!

*All of these candidates may be written in on your ballot in November. If enough people write them in, they could win!**

**They definitely will not win.