Like a winter storm warning notification on your phone or a well-intentioned comment from a friend about how your new blue sweater doesn't quite match your eyes, I believe it is my duty to inform you of something equally threatening to your safety and well-being. And that something is my discovery of the presence of monsters living among us--yes, real monsters, camouflaging themselves in everyday situations and generally existing to either cause utter havoc or just mess with all of us for fun. I have yet to determine if any of their motives are sinister, but something tells me that that yellow one down below may be out for blood.
Below, I will share the scientific names, danger rating, and characteristics of each of these monsters I've discovered so that you can both recognize and avoid them if you are so unfortunate to happen upon one yourself. Be warned, the images below may be upsetting to young children and the easily unsettled.
Name: Oblivirus Blockerus
Danger Rating: 2
Characteristics: One of the more common of the monsters I have discovered, the Oblivirus Blockerus finds great pleasure in getting in your way. (Well, either that, or they don't like moving a lot. We haven't quite determined why they do this.) You will most often find them taking up space in hallways, standing in front of entrances--especially doors--or taking up space near lines and not telling you that they really aren't in line until you have to ask them yourself. One of the most fascinating things about the Oblivirus Blockerus is that it can stretch itself to outrageous proportions to continue being in the way. I've heard about a particularly nasty one that kept growing bigger and bigger until he blocked the entire tortilla section of an aisle at a local grocery store and wouldn't move when people came through looking for tortillas. Another one parked itself outside of the driver's side door of my friend's car, staring at her blankly while she waited to get inside. While the Oblivirus Blockerus only has a danger rating of 2, this monster should not be taken lightly. And remember: as they are very social creatures, they will almost always be accompanied by a friend (or five).
Name: Sweaticus Gymnasius
Danger Rating: 5
Characteristics: The Sweaticus Gymnasius is a more rare variety of monster, but you can be certain that you will always see quite a few of them at the gym as it is their favorite place to be. An exuberant and enthusiastic gym rat, the Sweaticus Gymnasius finds exercise incredibly important and likes to use all of the equipment available. Unfortunately, this monster either doesn't know there are wipes provided by the gym to wipe down a machine after using it, knows they're there but is too lazy to use them, knows they're there but willfully refuses to use them, or is maliciously getting everything within a 5 foot radius as gross as possible (we are still determining which of these is the case). The worst offenders spend hours at a time sitting on weight machines and laying on weight benches until they've created a pool of sweat large enough to swim in. The Sweaticus Gymnasius has been given a danger rating of 5 since it's not extremely dangerous, but is most definitely very, very gross.
Name: Blindimus Destructicus
Danger Rating: 9
Characteristics: One of the most dangerous monsters to walk the earth, the Blindimus Destructicus has been the cause of nearly every traffic problem and car accident as far back as we can tell. Though legally blind, someone keeps issuing them licenses, and we really need to track them down because this needs to stop. Also, even though they're blind, they really like holding cell phones, and they have been known to sometimes sit backwards in the driver's seat. If you've ever been cut off in traffic, seen a car not use a turning signal, or witnessed a car run a blatant red light, you have unfortunately been in the presence of a Blindimus Destructicus. The problems they cause can range in severity from a minor disturbance in the flow of traffic to horrible, fatal car accidents, but this unpredictability is what makes it scariest of all. For this, they have received a danger rating of 9. Avoid these monsters at all costs, because your life could depend on it.
Name: Storius Leechimus
Danger Rating: 10
Characteristics: And now, the most stealthy and dangerous monster I have come across so far: the Storius Leechimus. Most often found in traditional office settings, this monster feeds off of your stories about your weekends and the details of your personal life until you are nothing but a dry, soulless husk. It starts off unassuming, cordial even, showing a reserved interest in your life outside of work as a friendly gesture. Over time, as it makes you feel more comfortable, you will begin to open up more and it will ask you follow-up questions, getting you to talk as long as possible as it sits there, sucking up your stories. This will start happening every day once the monster knows it's got you, and before you know it, you will have lost your soul, having succumbed to the closest thing to a Dementor's Kiss outside of the wizarding world. Signs a Storius Leechimus may be in your office are a coworker asking more personal questions than seems necessary, asking questions about your after-work activities to the point it seems that they might be keeping a secret itinerary of your life, and, most telling of all, if they come into work on Monday acting frazzled and on edge after having not been able to feed off of you for two whole days. The Storius Leechimus has received a danger rating of 10 for its definite malicious intent and its terrifying ability to steal your soul. Beware!
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