NO ONE SAYS "BLESS YOU" IN A THEATER

"Achoo!"

The sneeze erupted in an otherwise silent theater. Dave's first instinct was to blurt out "Bless you!" but he quickly realized doing so would further distract the other members of the audience. That person would just have to go without being blessed, he determined. But then he felt uncomfortable.

He normally said "Bless you!" when people sneezed in other situations--at the office, on the train, passing by on their respective ways to work. He even once offered a "Bless you!" when a man sneezed two stalls down in the restroom, and he had briefly faltered before offering that one because he was in a bathroom, for goodness' sake. If it was so important to say it then, why shouldn't he do it here, now, in the theater? 

Well, Dave thought, people are here to watch the movie. If we're told not to talk out of respect for others during the movie, a "Bless you!" is most certainly out of the question. But the thought of respect made him feel uncomfortable, too.

Because, what, if anything, is an offer of a "Bless you!" to a fellow human being if not a show of respect? It's what you do when someone sneezes, isn't it? That's just the way it is. You say "Bless you!", they say "Thank you!"--it's about respect. It would be rude, odd, even, not to say "Bless you!" following a sneeze. 

But here I am, not saying "Bless you!" after that sneeze, thought Dave. So does that make me rude? Am I not respectful? Isn't that the point of it all? Unless...it's not the point. 

But why else would we do it, then? Dave thought, at this point very uncomfortable indeed.

Do we say it to make the person who sneezed feel good? Is it because sneezing is inherently painful? Or do we just say "Bless you!" in order to fill the awkward silence after a sneeze occurs? Because we'd feel uncomfortable if we didn't? 

Like I feel right now, Dave suddenly realized with a mix of guilt and horror. 

But then, if we're not saying "Bless you!" out of kindness or respect, then what's the point behind any other niceties? Do men not open doors for women because they're decent people but because they just want women to like them? Do people not say "How are you?" because they really care to know but because it's just something you say as a greeting? Does my mom not really mean it when she says she loves me but just says it because it would be weird if she didn't? DOES ANYONE EVEN LOVE ME. 

Upon this thought, Dave politely got up from his seat and left the theater to go think about his life.