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Now imagine this emblazoned across your chest.
Your chest just became 37% more awesome.
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Growing up, Pokémon were pretty much the coolest things ever aside from the Backstreet Boys and squeezable glitter glue- both of which were very sparkly and pretty (especially Brian. I loved Brian). They were just so fun to collect...and then battle with until they killed each other. They could be adorable or scary or even just plain creepy. It was great. I Kanto (see what I did there?) even begin to estimate how many hours I spent sprawled on the couch, eyes trained on my Gameboy Color and completely transfixed by the world that a roomful of ingenious Japanese men created just for me......it's really a beautiful sentiment, when you think about it. Thanks, guys. I am forever in your debt.
But I played it SO MUCH that a pretty hefty portion of my brain is still devoted to remembering every single tiny, insignificant detail about it. Sometimes I think about how helpful it would be if that particular lobe decided to throw all of that information into its little brain waste basket and instead remember more important things...like the lectures in my classes...or Arbor Day.
I was telling my brother about this problem of mine the other day, and he responded by telling me to prove it, so I challenged him to ask me any Pokémon-related question he wanted to. A sly, condescending smirk flickered across his face as he asked, "Where would I go if I wanted to find a Drowzee?" With a completely serious expression I answered, "Well that depends. Are you in Kanto or Johto? Because if you're in Kanto you'll want to look in the grass to the east of Vermillion City, but if you're in Johto you have to go south of Goldenrod City next to the Day Care Center."
I was telling my brother about this problem of mine the other day, and he responded by telling me to prove it, so I challenged him to ask me any Pokémon-related question he wanted to. A sly, condescending smirk flickered across his face as he asked, "Where would I go if I wanted to find a Drowzee?" With a completely serious expression I answered, "Well that depends. Are you in Kanto or Johto? Because if you're in Kanto you'll want to look in the grass to the east of Vermillion City, but if you're in Johto you have to go south of Goldenrod City next to the Day Care Center."
SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH ME.
But as awesome as it was, and regardless of how much of it I still unwittingly have committed to memory, there were a few things about the games that annoyed me...well, they obviously didn't keep me from playing, but still. They exist. And here they are:
1. First of all, when you're starting the game and Professor Oak is all, "Are you a boy or girl?" This was always insulting to me. I mean, Professor Oak. I'm standing right here. In your laboratory. Isn't it obvious? Are you blind? What am I, a Ditto?
2. Ditto. What the heck were these things? I really wish I could've been in the brainstorming session when they came up with this. I imagine it probably would've gone a little something like this: Guy #1- "How about we make a Pokémon that can turn into OTHER Pokémon?" Guy #2- "Yoshi, that's a brilliant idea! Hmm...would it be really powerful on its own?" "Oh, of course not! On its own people would just have their Pokémon...breed with it. And it would be GENDERLESS. And...how about gelatinous and pink as well?" "That makes so much sense, Yoshi, it really does. Ever since you came up with that idea for Lickitung the other day you've been truly unstoppable." I'm still too traumatized to eat jello because of this Pokémon.
3. Pretty much EVERYTHING that the trainers you battled would say. Were they supposed to be intimidating or something? Maybe the Japanese was just translated incorrectly and they actually cussed you out. I don't know. Also, the fact that they were always so confident in their abilities. I mean, come on. There is no conceivable way that your Lv. 12 Oddish is going to beat my Lv. 47 Charizard. No way. I don't care how many super potions you have tucked in your loser fanny pack or what kind of connections you have with Nurse Joy. I don't even care that Oddish is the most adorable little thing to ever pop out of the ground. I'm going to destroy you, "Youngster Joey." And your hopes and dreams. Those too.
4. The reality that you can't actually catch all of the Pokémon without buying more than one game. Everything they advertised, everything Ash ever said- it's all a lie. You can't catch 'em all...unless you give in to their shameless marketing ploy and shell out another $50 bucks. Touché, Nintendo. Touché.
5. How when you traded Pokémon with someone in the game, you couldn't change its name so you ended up with an Onyx named "Rocky" or a Machop named "Muscles." I don't think I could have come up with lamer puns than that, and that's saying something.
6. Also, how depending on how many badges you had, your traded Pokémon wouldn't obey you for a while. There was nothing more infuriating than telling your Sandslash to use "scratch," and instead having the screen tell you- "Sandslash went to sleep instead," or "Sandslash pretended not to hear you because it feels objectified and it wants you to lose and yell at your Gameboy for five minutes." It was times like these that I wished options like attach shock collar or beat with stick were available methods of action.
7. One word: Magikarp.
8. The Bug Type. Someone answer this for me- was it actually super effective against ANYTHING?! No. No it was not. And since when do bugs get their own type? Last time I checked they were annoying and dumb and nobody liked them.
9. That you weren't allowed to run from trainer battles. And not even because you thought you couldn't beat them- sometimes I was like, "You know, I'd love to stay and pound your six puny caterpies into submission, but I currently have more pressing matters to attend to." Theoretically, you should always be able to physically run, right? Especially if you had a Koffing with a particularly good smokescreen or the other trainer was morbidly obese.
AND...
10. ......The fact that it's not socially acceptable for me to play it anymore.
1. First of all, when you're starting the game and Professor Oak is all, "Are you a boy or girl?" This was always insulting to me. I mean, Professor Oak. I'm standing right here. In your laboratory. Isn't it obvious? Are you blind? What am I, a Ditto?
2. Ditto. What the heck were these things? I really wish I could've been in the brainstorming session when they came up with this. I imagine it probably would've gone a little something like this: Guy #1- "How about we make a Pokémon that can turn into OTHER Pokémon?" Guy #2- "Yoshi, that's a brilliant idea! Hmm...would it be really powerful on its own?" "Oh, of course not! On its own people would just have their Pokémon...breed with it. And it would be GENDERLESS. And...how about gelatinous and pink as well?" "That makes so much sense, Yoshi, it really does. Ever since you came up with that idea for Lickitung the other day you've been truly unstoppable." I'm still too traumatized to eat jello because of this Pokémon.
3. Pretty much EVERYTHING that the trainers you battled would say. Were they supposed to be intimidating or something? Maybe the Japanese was just translated incorrectly and they actually cussed you out. I don't know. Also, the fact that they were always so confident in their abilities. I mean, come on. There is no conceivable way that your Lv. 12 Oddish is going to beat my Lv. 47 Charizard. No way. I don't care how many super potions you have tucked in your loser fanny pack or what kind of connections you have with Nurse Joy. I don't even care that Oddish is the most adorable little thing to ever pop out of the ground. I'm going to destroy you, "Youngster Joey." And your hopes and dreams. Those too.
4. The reality that you can't actually catch all of the Pokémon without buying more than one game. Everything they advertised, everything Ash ever said- it's all a lie. You can't catch 'em all...unless you give in to their shameless marketing ploy and shell out another $50 bucks. Touché, Nintendo. Touché.
5. How when you traded Pokémon with someone in the game, you couldn't change its name so you ended up with an Onyx named "Rocky" or a Machop named "Muscles." I don't think I could have come up with lamer puns than that, and that's saying something.
6. Also, how depending on how many badges you had, your traded Pokémon wouldn't obey you for a while. There was nothing more infuriating than telling your Sandslash to use "scratch," and instead having the screen tell you- "Sandslash went to sleep instead," or "Sandslash pretended not to hear you because it feels objectified and it wants you to lose and yell at your Gameboy for five minutes." It was times like these that I wished options like attach shock collar or beat with stick were available methods of action.
7. One word: Magikarp.
8. The Bug Type. Someone answer this for me- was it actually super effective against ANYTHING?! No. No it was not. And since when do bugs get their own type? Last time I checked they were annoying and dumb and nobody liked them.
9. That you weren't allowed to run from trainer battles. And not even because you thought you couldn't beat them- sometimes I was like, "You know, I'd love to stay and pound your six puny caterpies into submission, but I currently have more pressing matters to attend to." Theoretically, you should always be able to physically run, right? Especially if you had a Koffing with a particularly good smokescreen or the other trainer was morbidly obese.
AND...
10. ......The fact that it's not socially acceptable for me to play it anymore.
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