So...I guess I like TV. There, I said it. Despite my current hectic schedule, I'll admit that sitting back and escaping within the plot lines of a solid television show every now and then is quite satisfying. But the thing is...THERE ARE SO MANY TV SHOWS. I can't keep up. And to be quite honest, I don't want to. Yes, the show you are enthusiastically promoting to me may sound enthralling, but in order to "follow" all of the shows that are recommended to me, I'd basically have to spend the rest of my life watching episode after episode and consigning myself to a pitiful, vegetative state.
But I catch enough from the wall of pop culture and random snippets of conversation surrounding me to feel pretty confident in my abilities to summarize the plots of most shows on television. I'm practically an expert. So without further ado, here is everything you need to know about some TV shows that I have never actually seen...ever:
Doctor Who:
So there's this doctor, but no one knows who he is, as referenced by the inclusion of the word "who" in the title of the show. A question mark following the phrase would actually be a more accurate representation of the plot. Anyways, he's not really a doctor. He has a telephone booth that he says is his office, but is actually a time machine, so he's really in, like, 18th century England or Ancient Rome or something when he is supposedly seeing a patient. No one finds this strange at all. The lead role is simultaneously played by a bunch of British actors, including Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Pattinson, and a third actor determined by whomever teenage American girls are currently infatuated with. There are also angels that cry or something. This is important.
Psych:
In a groundbreaking series about overcoming racism and the power of friendship, two detectives, one white and one black, solve crimes together. But the catch is that they must always use a pineapple to do so. Or maybe they get superpowers from eating pineapples...it's definitely one or both of those things. A genie in a bottle granted one of the detectives his wish to be psychic, so that's where the name of the show comes from. It also comes from the occupation of their boss, who reads palms every other Thursday night on the side. Riveting.
Arrested Development:
There's a family that is somewhat dysfunctional and they yell at each other and do a lot of strange things. The genius of it all is that everyone's family is like that, and each new episode takes place in someone else's house. With real people. It's like Wife-Swap meets Super Nanny meets every show ever on TLC. It is very popular for this reason.
Community:
There's a community college with, like, students in it and stuff, and they only take Spanish class because they're all planning on moving to Mexico when the show is cancelled someday. And Chevy Chase is there for some reason. But no one seems to mind.
Downton Abbey:
The love child of Jane Austen and every soap opera ever geared towards the collective imaginations of lusty but seemingly respectable women of all ages.
Once Upon A Time:
Some really original people thought they'd be super edgy and rehash every fairytale and Disney character known to man and see what happens when they are put together in "real life." This has never been done before. There is no magic. And Rumplestiltskin is like, super attractive or something. Or maybe he isn't. But he's totally in the show. And if he's not attractive then there's another character who is. There might even be more than one attractive character. And *spoiler alert* at the end of the final season they all live happily ever after......well, the actors who are now well paid, of course.
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