(We see Ray Romano walking in the swirling winds of the Jakku desert. He notices a droid struggling to free itself from the net of an opportunistic scavenger.)
Ray: HEY. WHAT'S UP WITH THIS ROLLING BALL.
(BB-8 beeps and the scavenger threatens Ray to go away.)
Ray: LET HIM GO. GET OUT OF HERE, ROBERT.
(Ray helps to free BB-8 from the scavenger, who leaves, brandishing his fist in the air.)
BB-8: Beep beep beep! Beep beep!
Ray: YOU'RE JUST MAKING BEEPING SOUNDS, BUT SOMEHOW I CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY MEAN.
BB-8: Beep beep beep beep beep.
Ray: YEAH I GUESS WE CAN BE FRIENDS.
.................
(Ray and BB-8 sit outside of Ray's makeshift home while the sun sets, as Ray eats.)
BB-8: Beep beep beep, beep beep, beep beep beep.
Ray: YEAH. I FEEL THAT WAY TOO SOMETIMES.
.................
(Sitting in the Millennium Falcon, Finn and Ray get to know each other after escaping from the First Order.)
Finn: So you got a boyfriend? Cute boyfriend?
Ray: WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT.
.................
(Han Solo and Ray stand on the edge of a lake taking in the beauty of Takodana.)
Han: I've been thinking about bringing on some more crew, Ray. Someone to help out, someone who likes the Falcon.
Ray: OH I LIKE THE FALCON.
Han: Whaddya say?
Ray: DOES THE JOB HAVE GOOD BENEFITS.
Han: Well, you'd get to hang out with Chewie and me...
Ray: NO THANKS.
.................
(Ray and Maz Kanata share a moment beneath her castle.)
Maz: The belonging you seek is not behind you--it is ahead.
Ray: THAT'S A REALLY NICE THING TO SAY. THANKS, MAZ.
Maz: You're welcome. Now, take the lightsaber. It calls to you!
Ray: NO.
.................
(Ray lies restrained and incapacitated in the interrogation room on Star Killer Base, as Kylo Ren prepares to question him for information on Luke Skywalker's whereabouts. He sits silently, watching him. Ray awakes.)
Ray: WHOA WHERE AM I.
Kylo Ren: You're my guest.
Ray: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE.
(A silence passes, as Kylo Ren senses Ray's feelings through the Force.)
Kylo Ren: You still want to kill me.
Ray: YEAH CAUSE YOU'RE WEARING THAT FREAKY MASK AND YOU KIDNAPPED ME AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
(Kylo Ren removes his mask, and walks toward Ray.)
Kylo Ren: Tell me about the droid.
Ray: HE MAKES BEEPY NOISES AND HE IS MY FRIEND.
Kylo Ren: He also has the last piece of a map to Luke Skywalker, and we need it.
(Kylo Ren leans in closer, trying to intimidate Ray.)
Kylo Ren: You know I can take whatever I want.
Ray: I SURE HOPE THAT DOESN'T MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS.
Kylo Ren: Don't be afriad, I feel it too.
Ray: I AM NOT FEELING ANYTHING OTHER THAN WANTING TO GET OUT OF HERE, CREEPO.
(Kylo Ren starts probing Ray's mind, looking for information.)
Kylo Ren: I see it... I see the island.
Ray: YEAH ONE TIME I WENT TO HAWAII WITH THE FAMILY. WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
Kylo Ren: And you've met Han Solo.
Ray: HE WAS ALRIGHT. KINDA CLINGY. TOLD ME HE THOUGHT I'D BE A GOOD SON.
(Kylo Ren is taken aback by Ray's flippant attitude towards the situation. He feels himself growing weaker the longer he ventures into Ray's mind, unable to find the information he's looking for.)
Ray: HEY HAVE YOU EVER SEEN STAR WARS? YOU KIND OF REMIND ME OF THAT DARTH VADER GUY BUT LESS COOL AND REALLY LAME.
.................
(Left in his restraints after Kylo Ren storms out of the room, Ray decides to see if he can use his newfound abilities a second time.)
Ray: HEY STORMTROOPER GUY. TAKE ME OUT OF THIS THING.
.................
(Dueling on the edge of a cliff in the forest, Kylo Ren and Ray are locked in battle, their lightsabers crossed.)
Kylo Ren: You need a teacher!
Ray: YOU NEED A THERAPIST, WEIRDO KID.
.................
(Hiking up winding steps on an island on Ahch-To, Ray suddenly sees a cloaked figure standing with its back to him. The figure turns, and it's Luke Skywalker! Ray holds the lightsaber out to him, and Luke just stares at him. Nothing happens. Moments pass, and they're still standing there. Crickets chirp.)
.................
THE END.
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