POTATO DAMERON AND BB-TATE

You guys. I have a problem. 

THOUGHTS ON ALL THE LAST JEDI RAGE

Unless you've been hiding under a rock (and this isn't meant to be condescending because I kind of wish I was under the rock with you right now), you know that a new Star Wars movie has come out, and that certain people out there are letting everyone know that they are OUTRAGED about it. 

Completely, unequivocally, OUTRAGED. 

Their childhoods are ruined, the Skywalker saga is ruined, and the world as they know it is coming to an end all because Disney decided to do something different with Star Wars than they were expecting. 

I, for one, really enjoyed the film (for a myriad of reasons I won't get into now), but I can understand how people may have been taken aback by some of it. However, what I can't understand is the vitriolic and hateful and ANGRY reaction people are having online. Can we all just take a step back, take a deep breath, and repeat after me:

It is a movie. 

It is a movie. 

It is a movie.

Can you imagine if these people could channel this rage towards something like, oh, I don't know, poverty? Terrorism? A lack of clean water in so many communities around the world? Can you imagine what that would look like? 

"I can't believe Rian Johnson this politician didn't write that bill about child poverty the way I wanted him to."

"There are children out there who don't get to watch Star Wars like I did when I was a kid because they are less fortunate than I was and the thought of it RUINS MY CHILDHOOD." 

"Canto Bight? I can't abide the fact that there are homeless people in my community that I'm not helping with the gobs of my free time I've been spending on such meaningless things." 

"I am not an entitled, sad person who gets angry about Star Wars. I GET MAD ABOUT THINGS LIKE GENOCIDE. THAT'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. EVERYONE WHO MAKES GENOCIDE HAPPEN SHOULD STEP DOWN." 

Please enjoy this nice little slice of perspective. 

You can wash it down with some Ahch-To alien-milk. 

SELECTED SCENES FROM STAR WARS: THE RAY AWAKENS

(We see Ray Romano walking in the swirling winds of the Jakku desert. He notices a droid struggling to free itself from the net of an opportunistic scavenger.) 

Ray: HEY. WHAT'S UP WITH THIS ROLLING BALL.

(BB-8 beeps and the scavenger threatens Ray to go away.)

Ray: LET HIM GO. GET OUT OF HERE, ROBERT. 

(Ray helps to free BB-8 from the scavenger, who leaves, brandishing his fist in the air.) 

BB-8: Beep beep beep! Beep beep! 

Ray: YOU'RE JUST MAKING BEEPING SOUNDS, BUT SOMEHOW I CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY MEAN.

BB-8: Beep beep beep beep beep.

Ray: YEAH I GUESS WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

.................

(Ray and BB-8 sit outside of Ray's makeshift home while the sun sets, as Ray eats.)

BB-8: Beep beep beep, beep beep, beep beep beep. 

Ray: YEAH. I FEEL THAT WAY TOO SOMETIMES.   

.................

(Sitting in the Millennium Falcon, Finn and Ray get to know each other after escaping from the First Order.) 

Finn: So you got a boyfriend? Cute boyfriend? 

Ray: WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT.

.................

(Han Solo and Ray stand on the edge of a lake taking in the beauty of Takodana.) 

Han: I've been thinking about bringing on some more crew, Ray. Someone to help out, someone who likes the Falcon.

Ray: OH I LIKE THE FALCON.

Han: Whaddya say? 

Ray: DOES THE JOB HAVE GOOD BENEFITS.

Han: Well, you'd get to hang out with Chewie and me...

Ray: NO THANKS.

.................

(Ray and Maz Kanata share a moment beneath her castle.)

Maz: The belonging you seek is not behind you--it is ahead.

Ray: THAT'S A REALLY NICE THING TO SAY. THANKS, MAZ.

Maz: You're welcome. Now, take the lightsaber. It calls to you!

Ray: NO. 

.................

(Ray lies restrained and incapacitated in the interrogation room on Star Killer Base, as Kylo Ren prepares to question him for information on Luke Skywalker's whereabouts. He sits silently, watching him. Ray awakes.) 

Ray: WHOA WHERE AM I.

Kylo Ren: You're my guest.

Ray: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE.

(A silence passes, as Kylo Ren senses Ray's feelings through the Force.) 

Kylo Ren: You still want to kill me.

Ray: YEAH CAUSE YOU'RE WEARING THAT FREAKY MASK AND YOU KIDNAPPED ME AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

(Kylo Ren removes his mask, and walks toward Ray.)

Kylo Ren: Tell me about the droid.

Ray: HE MAKES BEEPY NOISES AND HE IS MY FRIEND. 

Kylo Ren: He also has the last piece of a map to Luke Skywalker, and we need it. 

(Kylo Ren leans in closer, trying to intimidate Ray.)

Kylo Ren: You know I can take whatever I want. 

Ray: I SURE HOPE THAT DOESN'T MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS.

Kylo Ren: Don't be afriad, I feel it too.

Ray: I AM NOT FEELING ANYTHING OTHER THAN WANTING TO GET OUT OF HERE, CREEPO.

(Kylo Ren starts probing Ray's mind, looking for information.)

Kylo Ren: I see it... I see the island.

Ray: YEAH ONE TIME I WENT TO HAWAII WITH THE FAMILY. WE HAD A GREAT TIME. 

Kylo Ren: And you've met Han Solo.

Ray: HE WAS ALRIGHT. KINDA CLINGY. TOLD ME HE THOUGHT I'D BE A GOOD SON.

(Kylo Ren is taken aback by Ray's flippant attitude towards the situation. He feels himself growing weaker the longer he ventures into Ray's mind, unable to find the information he's looking for.)

Ray: HEY HAVE YOU EVER SEEN STAR WARS? YOU KIND OF REMIND ME OF THAT DARTH VADER GUY BUT LESS COOL AND REALLY LAME.

.................

(Left in his restraints after Kylo Ren storms out of the room, Ray decides to see if he can use his newfound abilities a second time.) 

Ray: HEY STORMTROOPER GUY. TAKE ME OUT OF THIS THING. 

.................

(Dueling on the edge of a cliff in the forest, Kylo Ren and Ray are locked in battle, their lightsabers crossed.)

Kylo Ren: You need a teacher!

Ray: YOU NEED A THERAPIST, WEIRDO KID. 

.................

(Hiking up winding steps on an island on Ahch-To, Ray suddenly sees a cloaked figure standing with its back to him. The figure turns, and it's Luke Skywalker! Ray holds the lightsaber out to him, and Luke just stares at him. Nothing happens. Moments pass, and they're still standing there. Crickets chirp.)

Ray: LOOK, MR. LUKE, I CAN ONLY HOLD THIS THING OUT TO YOU FOR SO LONG, MY ARM'S KILLING ME HERE.

.................

THE END. 

MAY THE FOURTH

It's the fourth of May, I just got an iPad, and this is what I did with my evening. 

Too much fun, I will have. 

WHO IS REY? MORE THEORIES THAT EVERYONE SHOULD CONSIDER

Like most people on the planet by now, I have seen the new Star Wars movie. Twice. And I loved it. It perfectly blended the original trilogy with new characters, a new plot line, and brought theaters full of complete strangers together. I AM A WITNESS. But it also left everyone with a lot of questions. Questions like, what's up with Kylo Ren's wimpy-looking ship? Why can't I pull off an up-do like Carrie Fisher? Why am I overcome with a burning desire to give BB-8 a hug and wrap all of that spherical cuteness in my arms? 

And, the biggest question of all—who is Rey?

Since the movie premiered, theories surrounding this question have been discussed by countless articles all over the internet. Is she Han and Leia's daughter? Luke's? Obi-Wan Kenobi's? Only time will tell. But until then, I've come up with a few alternate explanations for Rey's origins that are all just as plausible and have just as much evidence as the theories of her either being the daughter of Leia, Luke, or Obi-Wan. But seriously. They're really good:

My level of obsession with them is almost unhealthy. Almost.

• She was created by midi-chlorians, and has nothing to do with the Skywalkers. 

• Unkar Plutt is actually her father, and he made her think someone was going to come back to Jakku for her so she'd stay there and keep bringing him cool stuff and be his slave.

• In that scene where we see Rey as a little girl screaming at the ship flying away leaving her, that's actually the ship that took Finn away to be a baby stormtrooper and they were brother and sister. So they'll have that weird we-like-each-other-but-we're-actually-siblings thing in Episode VIII like Luke and Leia. Lando Calrissian is her father.

• She is Chewbacca's daughter, as female Wookies are hairless. We just had no idea.

• She is Obi-Wan reincarnated as a woman—explaining her British accent.

• Kylo Ren is actually her father, which explains why he is so shocked when he hears about her the first few times. (He didn't want his parents to find out.)

• She is actually Luke and Leia's triplet sister who was put into cryosleep when she was born.

• She is Padmé's sister put into cryosleep.

• She was Anakin's twin also created by midi-chlorians who was put into cryosleep to keep Anakin from killing her in the womb. What?

• She is Yoda's other protégé who he put into cryosleep when he saw the future that Luke would fail training the new jedi. 

• She is Obi-Wan's sister who he put into cryosleep because he wanted to be the only British jedi. 

• She is Boba Fett's daughter, conceived in the Sarlacc and then put into cryosleep, because that gross pit is actually a gigantic cryo chamber. So...Boba Fett is still alive too, and they will reunite in Episode VIII.

.......

So yeah. There are some more theories to think about. Let me know how you feel about them, because I'm pretty positive that, like, at least seven or all of these are contenders.

(Especially the cryosleep ones. I bet it's that.)