SMALL TALK: A SATIRICAL APPROACH

When assigned to write an essay where the requirement is to praise a common thing that most people take for granted, sometimes you just have to flip it on its head and write some good old-fashioned satire. And sometimes, you're so proud of it that you just have to share it on your blog. 

...And some other times, you wait until the day before it's due to write it. JK LOL that's, like, every time for me. Anyways. That's really all I have to say about this. Goodnight, moon. 

Talking Small

            We’ve all been in this situation: you’re invited to a party by a close friend of yours. Not wanting to appear overeager, yet also wanting to arrive early enough that you avoid walking into a roomful of people you don’t know, you arrive about ten minutes after the party was scheduled to begin. And you’re still the first one there. Success. Greeted warmly by your friend, you perch on the end of an overstuffed sofa and breathe a sigh of relief—because of your impeccable timing, you no longer have to acknowledge the fact that you are not even remotely acquainted with your friend’s circle of friends.

            Then the doorbell rings. And in walks a guy who’s about as familiar as someone you’ve never met before. But you have nothing to fear, because the host of the party is a close personal friend of yours, and she’ll be there to bridge the gap between you. Only once she lets him in, the oven blares a triumphant declaration of incessant beeping and your friend disappears into the kitchen—leaving the two of you alone. Not again.

            Out of nowhere, the button near the hem of your shirt suddenly becomes extremely interesting. How did the sheer brilliance of its smooth, glossy finish ever go unnoticed? After admiring it for a spell, your eyes make a quick jump upwards and you realize that Mr. Second-to-Arrive, still standing by the doorway, has just discovered that he was wearing shoes, staring down at them intently as if they held all the secrets of the universe. And the room is silent, except for the distant clanging of kitchen sounds providing a lovely soundtrack to the scene. But you know that this can’t go on much longer. It’s inevitable—you’ll have to say something.

            “So how do you kn—”

            “Beautiful weather outside, huh?”

            Cue awkward laughter that slowly dies down into an even more uncomfortable silence. You would both start talking at the same time.

            “So…what’s your name? Mine’s Jason.”

            Jason. That makes him, like, the hundredth Jason you’ve ever met. Why is that name so popular?

            “Oh, nice to meet you, Jason. I’m Erica…and you’re right—the weather is pretty nice today.”

            He nods slowly, and once again that temptress of a button on your shirt is calling to you, inviting you to succumb. But it’s too late to pretend that he’s not there, so you resolve to muscle on through this quagmire of a conversation hoping to find some common ground.

            “So…did you see that game on TV last night? Pretty intense…”

            He responds with a puzzled look, putting his hands awkwardly in his pockets as he raises his shoulders. “I don’t really like sports.”

            “Oh.”

            “Yeah…I’m more of a…video game guy…”

            “…Interesting.”

            “Yeah…”

            Then the door opens abruptly and you both realize that you don’t know this new person either. And the process starts all over again. This is small talk.

            Mankind has been engaging in this fascinating ritual since the dawn of time. Indeed, even in the throes of the Pleistocene Period the humble cavemen participated in small talk. Around the water hole during hunting season, two males undoubtedly could be seen making tentative grunts interspersed by the occasional awkward gesture of a spear or the unnecessary straightening of a mammoth skin toga. As our species has progressed, our language may have become more sophisticated, but the extraordinary phenomenon that is small talk has remained astoundingly the same. Almost the same exact scene is reconstructed in office buildings across the world today as men wearing a variation of the toga—the suit and tie—can be observed behaving in a similar fashion around the office water cooler. But fortunately for all of us, small talk is not limited to only those close in proximity to a reservoir of water. No, small talk can occur anywhere: on a bus, in line at the grocery store, on a first date, and even with family members that you only come in contact with during the holidays. 
              Because it is so common, it is rather easy to dismiss small talk as merely idle chitchat—the superficial and pointless blather that is as trivial as it is prosaic. But the truth is that this seemingly mundane occurrence is imperative to all aspects of our lives. Small talk is the threshold one must pass through when meeting potential friends, mates, employers, and almost every other individual that you will ever come in contact with in your entire life. So before you complain about its existence, I would invite you to look beyond its presumed vices and appreciate its plethora of virtues. Without it, you’d probably have even less friends than you currently have because of it.

            What is small talk? According to Wikipedia, small talk is “an informal type of discourse that does not cover any functional topics of conversation or any transactions that need to be addressed. [It] is conversation for its own sake.” And regardless of the culture, social class, or ethnicity of the individuals involved, small talk somehow manages to always revolve around the same topics—topics that serve the purpose of gaining deep insight into the very core of a person’s being. For example, a classic subject discussed is the weather. A person’s response to “Lovely weather we’re having, don’t you agree?” is quite possibly one of the most revealing phrases they will ever utter. If they agree, and remark on their love of warm, sunny weather, they are obviously an outgoing, happy person that you would enjoy socializing with. Whereas if they comment on how it is nice, yet they prefer slightly overcast days with a chance of rain, they are undoubtedly wretched, introverted outcasts who are inwardly miserable and unhappy with their lives. The surprising personal details discovered through the use of small talk are simply remarkable.

            Equally as penetrating are questions regarding where a person is from or what they are studying in school. Your conversational partner’s hometown being located in the Midwest indicates his rough-and-tumble childhood growing up on a farm, his capacity to milk a wide variety of mammals, and the devastating tornado season that transported him to the magical Land of Oz in his youth. Add in the fact that he’s a chemical engineering major, which clearly means he is socially awkward and has the personality of a dead sloth, and once again, small talk has assisted you in uncovering almost everything you need to know about a person upon your first meeting.

            In recent history, the integration of technology into our world has proven to be an unexpected boon to our initiatory discourses. The convenience of having the majority of our social interactions take place through a cellular device or the friendly clicking of a keyboard only enhances the rare times when we do speak to another human being in person. And the most amazing thing about the influence of technology is that the same riveting small talk can occur when even less is being said. Consider this excerpt from an actual exchange between two teenagers during a break between classes:

            “So…you’re in my math class, right?”

            “Yep.”

            “That’s cool.”

            “Yep.”

            “Would it be cool if I got your number?”

            “Um...okay.”

Keep in mind that this entire conversation occurred while the young people were staring at the screens of their smart phones. Truly impressive. The progress of our society honestly knows no bounds.

            Unless you’re currently living in seclusion or are on the run from the FBI, you encounter the delight that is small talk on a daily basis. This regularity may cause it to be viewed as a frivolous and utter waste of time, but I shudder at the thought of mankind without its frequent and unending obsession with discussing television shows, the state of the weather, and the positively factual stereotypes of different geographical regions of the country. Some may say that the role it plays is small, but when it comes down to it, there is simply nothing small about small talk.   

The socially awkward man's best friend.