CAN WE PLEASE BE REAL ABOUT BEING "REAL?"

The thoughts I'm about to attempt to communicate have been swirling around in my head for a while now, years maybe—little wisps of thought that bothered me, floating around sporadically as they came. I would hear a news story or read an article or see a post on social media and I knew that somewhere in my brain there was something I wanted to say about them all, but I couldn't quite articulate what that was. So I went on observing, all the while growing more and more bothered by the fact that my thoughts on these matters wouldn't come together. 

Until today, when I exploded on my husband (metaphorically) in the car about how ridiculous something I read on the internet was. (I guess sometimes it takes a little raging and ranting for thoughts to come rushing together.) 

(At least for me.)

But before I get to them, I'd like to say first that this isn't meant to be condescending. I used to be on the other side of this issue, and I've harped on technology and social media hundreds of times in the past--and I still do. Quite a bit, actually. (To be honest—I think it's really stupid.) But there's a certain type of harping going on in society that is becoming so prevalent, I worry that it's becoming unintentionally destructive. Allow me to explain.

Everyone, lately, is obsessed with being "real." Women are encouraged, or rather pressured, to post pictures of themselves online with no makeup on. Women who like to look put together out in public in lieu of donning sweatpants to class are labeled as "fake", "insecure", or "trying too hard." People who predominantly post happy things and aesthetically-pleasing pictures on social media are scorned for "portraying their lives as perfect" and "not being real." 

This obsession grew out of and is fed by news channels and celebrities and marketing campaigns that report that when people appear to be only happy on social media, it damages other people's self confidence. It can even make others depressed to see you smiling. 

But why is this such a revelation to people? Why is anyone surprised? Why was there an article in my school's newspaper last month about a new study that apparently just discovered people can feel sad, depressed, or lonely when they look at others' social media accounts? It's common sense—I mean, I'd feel pretty lonely too if all the time I spent interacting socially was with my face twelve inches away from a screen, sitting in a dark room eating buckets of Goldfish and wondering why my hair doesn't look as good as so-and-so's and why I don't really know any of my so-called "friends." Hasn't everyone known for eons that a person cloistered up in their house might be a little sad? And is it really the internet that has all of a sudden made people compare themselves to other people? I don't think so.

If you're getting depressed by looking at everyone's "seemingly" perfect lives on social media, then stop following them or looking at them—just like you would in real life if something upset you. You're not forced to immerse yourself in things that fill your life with negativity. You can choose what you surround yourself with—you're in control. If it's making you miserable, cut it out of your life. Don't expect other people to post a picture of themselves crying with the caption "I'm really not happy ever! I never should have gone to culinary school! Worst decision of my life!" to make you feel better about yourself.

That's employing a philosophy about happiness that everyone knows doesn't work—thinking you can feel better about yourself by seeing other people failing or feeling upset or looking bad. You know, building yourself up by watching others being torn down. Why should seeing a post on Facebook about your "friend" having a rough day and failing a math test make you feel better about yourself? Or happy? 

But Camryn, you say, it's not like we hate people! We just like to know that other people are struggling to be reminded that it's okay that we sometimes struggle, too. 

Well that's all well and good, but that's the thing about all of this that bothers me:

Don't we all know that everyone is human?

Don't we all know that everyone isn't perfect?

Don't we all know that everyone isn't happy all the time?

I thought that was the case—I mean come on, we hear it preached by society enough. But honestly, I'm not sure we do. If we truly knew this, then we wouldn't let ourselves be outraged by the fact that Amanda retouches her blemishes on her pictures, or that David only writes about the positive things going on in his life, or that Jessica takes adorable, well-composed photographs of her family and likes to share them with everyone.

We, being realistic and rational, would realize that Amanda is probably worried about her skin every time she steps out the door, that David could have gotten a bad test score for every good one he announces, and that Jessica likely has days where she crashes onto the couch in tears feeling completely overwhelmed by her role as a mother of three little ones.

Because we have experienced it too. Sadness. And, well, I wasn't expecting to go here but here I am: if you've seen Inside Out, you know that sadness, and being vulnerable in that sadness, is pretty darn important to our emotional health. But people deal with their hardships and feelings in different ways. Some people really like sharing these feelings with others by talking about them online. And if that works for them and others in their situation, that's great. Wonderful, even. But other people? Some of us feel most comfortable privately talking about our rough patches or disappointments with our parents or a friend. Some of us would rather not share our makeup-less moments with the world. And we shouldn't condemn these people for appearing "perfect" online because of that and not being "real." That's how this redefinition of "real" in our society can actually turn destructive—when people are being pressured to share all of their dirty laundry online for everyone to see. Do we really need to know every sad detail about someone's life in order to believe he or she is a "real" person? Is everyone obligated to share that simply because they have a Facebook account? No. And quite frankly, not everyone needs to see that, and not everyone is going to be as gentle or kind with that information as they should be. And to be honest, most people don't want to see it. Don't believe me? 

Exhibit A: No one enjoys being friends with the people on Facebook that always post sad things. I can't begin to count how many times I've heard people talk about how much that annoys them or brings them down. (Check out Slide 7 here, or this article if you still don't understand what I'm talking about. I would advise you to pay attention to the last few paragraphs. Ahem.) People often complain about those who "overshare" on social media. Well, then, I have to ask, where's the line between being "real" and "oversharing?" 

Exactly.

Is it really so weird that people want to present themselves well online? And is it really so bad? We don't go to job interviews in our pajamas, carrying our favorite blanket. We don't go on a first date with dripping wet hair and head-gear gracing our face. We don't meet our future in-laws and immediately disclose every personal issue we've had in the past month. We try to be our best! We try to look like the normal, functioning human being we typically are but sometimes struggle to be! And no one ever says people who try to appear their best in these situations aren't "real." So why can't this common sense translate over to the internet? Why must we get so outraged or perplexed by the fact that people want to look good, or talk about their successes, or put their best foot forward in the virtual world just like they do in real life? Why doesn't this make sense to people? 

Do we all have to post one depressing, unsightly, or otherwise down-trodden thing on social media for every happy, uplifting, or beautiful thing? Would that end this "problem" everyone can't seem to get over? Would it stop making people compare themselves to others or feel sad when they go online? 

Do I need to share with the internet every time my husband and I get in an argument, every time I feel useless and unmotivated, or every time I don't do the best on a homework assignment? No. But I would hope that anyone who reads this blog realizes that I'm not some perfect robot woman because my writing lacks those details. I would hope that you would use that wonderful brain you were bestowed with to remember, even if the signs aren't there, that no one is perfect. We say that about celebrities all the time—we enjoy realizing that they're people too. If you can understand that the people whose bodies are photoshopped and expertly styled, with pockets bursting with money still aren't always happy, then geez—you should certainly be able to do the same with anyone else on your social media news feed.

No one should have to post pictures of themselves without makeup on to feel "real." No one should have to feel bad when they choose to post about positive things that happen in their lives. And no one should have to post every minuscule thing that happens to them— good and bad—to let people know that they're "real" and that everyone struggles and everyone has rough days. 

The same thing goes with real life—actual, real life.

The internet has nothing to do with it.