25 THINGS ABOUT MY LIFE PARTNER MAN PERSON

Since my husband has become more of a presence on here in the last little while, and also because it is his birthday today—the one day a year I am actually nice to him and like, tell him he's great—I decided that a 25 Things post about him was in order. So, here are 25 things about the man I share a home with that you never wanted to know (unless you're really creepy and you've been waiting for this, and in that case, I am scared). 

1. He is amazing at making bread. I swear I married some weird mashup of Peeta Mellark and Gale what's-his-name. Tall, dark, and ridiculously gifted at making baked goods. He's made pizza dough, pretzel bread, anything you can think of. One time I came home from school and there was a batch of homemade ENGLISH MUFFINS on the stove. I'm in love.
2. One time when he was in a weird, almost-asleep state, I asked him "What cereal would you be if you were a cereal?" and he said "Oreo Os. Because I'm not too sweet, and I'm not too boring." 

3. He does this dance that I think makes him look like a baby that doesn't yet know how to stand up on its own. 

4. He loves dachshunds more than life itself. This Super Bowl commercial made him LOSE HIS MIND.

5. He wears toques, not beanies.

6. He is a movie fanatic and knows everything about them and I have gone to the theater WAY more times since I've known him than I ever did before. Because of this, he's addicted to Rotten Tomatoes and if a movie gets good reviews, he pretty much has to see it. Or he will explode. And somehow, even with its horrible ratings, he convinced me to go to Batman v Superman even though it was the LITERAL WORST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN and we couldn't stop talking about how stupid it was for like a week. MARTHA.

7. He is the best bed-maker on the planet and sometimes I wonder if he ever worked at a hotel or something because he seriously knows what he's doing. 

8. He loves quails. Thought not as much as dachshunds, the love is still quite intense.

9. In a home movie when he was 6 years old, his family was at the beach and everyone was like, where is he? and then he ran on screen and he was covered in sand and rubbing it all over his face. 
10. He refers to any type of liquid as "juice" or "sauce." 
11. When I met him I felt like I was talking to myself. Which is creepy, but also great.

12. He comes up with alternate names for himself all the time. For instance, he looked over at me the other day with a straight face and said, "Call me Piccadilly." Other iterations of this have included "Turkey Jim," "Chicken Daniel," "Blanket Bandido," "Soda Pop Sundae," "Seaweed Rag Doll," and "Diagonal Mike." I was once dubbed "Nugget Nellie." 

13. He also comes up with the best random names for things and people. The other day we were having a ranting moment about our landlord, and he was like, "Well that'll never be fixed as long as Bill Jenkins is around." I laughed for like, a good five minutes. Maybe three. (Bill Jenkins is the farthest thing from his real name.) He also calls the mother of someone we know "Shaniqua" (without her knowledge) for no obvious reason.

14. If people are walking slowly in front of him, he will gently grab their backpacks and subtly move them out of the way without them realizing it. 

15. I'm considering buying him maracas because he likes to shake canned food in both hands when we're at the grocery store even when other people are in the aisle.

16. He basically just doesn't care what anyone thinks (see #14 and #15). 

17. He makes the BEST sound effects. My favorite is the tiny swoosh noise when he jumps onto the bed like a whale. 

18. He always makes up hilarious songs on the spot and sings them to me if I'm upset or if he's really excited about something we're doing or where we're going. Also, sometimes they just come out of nowhere. The other morning I was making eggs and he started singing a Mary Poppins-sounding song about how "the children need their eggs" with a repetitive chorus consisting of an operatic "GIVE THEM THEIR EGGS! GIVE THEM THEIR EGGS!"

19. He instigates conversations like this:

20. When we go to places like Bath and Body Works, he smells everything there and has just as much opinion about the candles and soaps and fragrances we put in our house as me. It's hilarious and my favorite.

21. He has a deep loathing for random foods that I don't understand, including chicken pot pie, ham, sweet potatoes, and bell peppers. But he will eat anything he is served, like an animal, so these food hatreds don't really mean anything. 

22. He has the best crinkly eyes when he smiles. 

23. He has an inexplicable love of Mariah Carey's "Fantasy."  

24. He is the most stubborn person I know. 

25. Even though he wrote this, he's actually a pretty alright writer who doesn't communicate like a five year old (most of the time).